YOSEMITE...

This weekend I really wanted to leave Fresno (again)...this week has been pretty rough and I needed to find solace...somewhere. I went to Yosemite to go hiking with my friends. In CA it is definately not abnormal to go hiking at the end of January and I love that! We did run into a little snow but it made for a great fight and I finally got Derrick back by putting snow down his shirt. Here are some pics although they rarely do justice to how amazing everything was. We had amazing weather and this was definately what I needed to get out of my funk!

Lacks preparation...

I sit through these classes that teach me the things I should say. We talk about the laws and the ethically binding responsibilities that we have as professionals in this field. I write papers and study for tests. My 4.0 gpa reflects my memorization of the facts and figures, the signs, and most importantly the action recommended. It wasn't enough.

I hear the words that you are saying but my mind races because surely this isn't real. Moments ago I was among friends playing cards...my favorite one with the phases...ten to be exact. I respond with a comment that sounds detached as though I just responded to a statement like "I just ate dinner" or "I have homework today". Not a response that your call should ellicit. What did they tell me I should say? What do you need to hear from me? How can I fix this? So unprepared.

We get off the phone but your words haunt me. I cant breathe as the heaviness of this encroaches me. I have been here before. You didn't take me there but someone close. I thought I would be stronger. I thought experience might have taught me something. So unprepared.

I'm sorry it wasn't enough.

A wEeKeND of RaIN...

So when I first moved to Fresno my BF from Utah would call and talk about the rain. He knew how much I loved it and I would always respond annoyed "the sun is always shining in Fresno"... This weekend of all times I actually had a hike to Yosemite planned on Sat but it has been pouring buckets and we had to cancel! Aside from canceled plans I am LOVING this!

L came to visit and we had a sleepover and dinner on thurs. I love when she comes...I feel like I have known her so much longer than only six months. On Friday I had my six hr class...yes one class that is six hrs long... I am like a three yr old in that sitting for that long is H-E- double hockey sticks! Luckily after class at 8:30 my friend M came to pick me up. I asked him out on Monday although he claims credit since he volunteered to plan our date.... He told me it was a surprise and our first stop of the evening was the grocery store to pick up gluten-free hotdogs. Next we began the 2 hr drive to one of my favorite places here...The Lake. We got out in the pouring rain and hiked a very short distance to the top of a hill. There we assembled our home-made tent with a tarp and rope he had brought along. We sat under it and proceeded to light a fire with old real estate brochures and a lighter...with the rain we failed miserably but M being the brilliant man that he is suggested we roast our hotdogs on the top of his camping lantern. It was great to be outside and I thought it was really great of him to put so much thought and effort into this date. I got to know a lot about him and the best part would have to be the commute time in the car where we karaoke'd to Aerosmith and ACDC .(well lets be honest the ACDC was more for him ;) )

This morning (which on a saturday is when I wake up so it's actually more like afternoon) Ten of us went to a local park to play mud rugby. Rugby is a tradition that was started by a friend in my ward who lived in Australia. He taught us and prior to the Christmas break getting together to play was a weekly thing. Today we played tackle and L (who is literally half my size came out of nowhere and tackled me to the ground. Needless to say we were pretty muddy by the end of it.

I am so glad that once in a while God allows it to rain in Fresno...I had a blast!

LOVE is subjective...

As Valentine's Day approaches I have been thinking a lot about the topic of LOVE. HE accuses me of not knowing how to love, how to commit, how to sacrifice...I stand here and admit that HE is right. I only know about those things in terms of platonic LOVE.

I move to a different state alone and apprehensive because I LOVE my education and the type of work that I do. I LOVE helping others reach goals and I LOVE the opportunities to meet new people and to grow from new experiences when you are forced only to depend on yourself and more importantly God.

I LOVE my friends and each of their unique personalities. I LOVE that they teach me how to accept others, to LOVE God, and how to be a friend back. I LOVE the laughs, the experiences, and the lessons I take from each of them. I LOVE the sense I get from them that I am not alone.

I value my family and I LOVE the fact that they taught me young to be independent and to learn to accept responsibility for choices. I LOVE the endless support I receive even when my crazy ideas seem short of realistic. I LOVE that they live their lives in ways that will ensure we will be together always.

I LOVE to travel to other countries and to learn about other cultures. I LOVE the food in Moracco. I LOVE the people in Ireland. I LOVE the rainforests of Costa Rica. I LOVE the gelatto in Italy. I LOVE the vineyards of France. I LOVE the coast of Spain. I LOVE the accent in Argentina. I LOVE the hospitality of Uruguay. I LOVE that I have been blessed with these opportunities and people to enjoy them with.

I LOVE life. I LOVE the smell of old books. I LOVE dew from my tent dripping on me when I camp. I LOVE sitting in the hot tub in the middle of January with my girlfriends and discussing our careers and script ideas. I LOVE the feel of the wind on my face when I jump out of airplanes. I LOVE standing on the top of a mountain looking down. I LOVE running in the rain. I LOVE Jacque Torres chocolate from Water street on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge. I LOVE the men and women that sacrifice their lives and time for us to enjoy a free country.

Don't tell me I don't know how to LOVE or how to make sacrifices. I have always sacrificed for things that are truly important to me and one day I will get the other type of LOVE figured out...just give me time.

Are you frickin kidding me..???!!!

Guys are RiDiCuLoUs...

One year left behind...

Is it ok to be angry still? I think I ask myself this question at least ten times a day. The answer never comes but still I ask it. I had a dream last night. He was in it and so happy to see me. He embraced me just like he had so many times before. I had tears in my eyes because I had actually feared his reaction. I have no idea what I was afraid of. His always calm demeanor never frightened or disturbed me. It was his kindness that made me cautious...unsure of where I stood. He put it in eloquent words and I believed...foolishly I believed. In the dream he asked about how I was....this used to be a daily question...they way we started every phone call. Before it was always the same response..."good" I would say since there was never enough time between conversations to merit any other response. I think the dream was evoked by all the small clues he left behind....the white t-shirt he left from our camping trip, the cd we listened to over and over again but only track 5, the letter in which he listed the things he loved about me, the hot pink postits he hid all over my house so when he left I would still have reminders he was there...and that he loved me, lastly the card- yes that one-the haunting words of the poem he left inside. I didn't understand it the first time I read it. 32 times later I think it took. The words that should have been "Happy Birthday". The words that in their own cryptic way meant goodbye. All of these details like ghosts that I thought had finally left and now I was here in this dream with him once more. I plead with him to understand. He looks at me as though I should already know. Like I am absent if I don't. He tells me that it's his "disability" that keeps him away...in the dream I know in my mind that this is just another code word. One that writers use to give face value but also to lend to an underlying theme. He didn't have a disability. Was this code for my work being too much for him to work around. He respected it but did he ever accept that it kept me here and not there. Or was he referring to himself....The way he always felt as though he were "broken" because he had been hurt so much before. In the dream I accept his response without question. In the dream I completely understand. In the dream there are no tears just a "thankyou". Because in the dream that was enough to move on.

Bring on 2009!

So the first of each new year gives me the chance to reflect back on the past year, realize my mistakes and figure out how to fix them for the next time....Here are my resolutions for this next year...

1. Prioritize relationships- I want to be more available to my friends and family. Sometimes I feel I am more involved in the lives of my friends than those of my family. I regret and resent this. I am part of a gospel that holds the family unit within the highest regard and yet that same concept is not reflective in my own personal life.

2. Healthier me- So this is not going to be another "I need to lose weight" moment....I am committed to eat only gluten-free foods and in a short time I have seen good changes. I want to be better at this. Also I want to commit sleeping more each night, omitting caffeine, and only allowing positive good things into my life.

3. Improving my relationship to the Gospel- This last year has seen many changes in this dept but I want to take things to the next level by commiting more time to learning, growing and giving more service.

4. Time- I often put all of my time into school and work....forgetting that these are just two small aspects of my life. I need to ensure that my time is spent with things that are of eternal consequence.

2008 was an incredible year full of so many changes and I know this one is going to be big as well. I have so many huge decisions to make and many chapters are drawing to a close. I am eager and excited but also a little scared. I am so blessed to have such strong support from my family and friends.