One year left behind...

Is it ok to be angry still? I think I ask myself this question at least ten times a day. The answer never comes but still I ask it. I had a dream last night. He was in it and so happy to see me. He embraced me just like he had so many times before. I had tears in my eyes because I had actually feared his reaction. I have no idea what I was afraid of. His always calm demeanor never frightened or disturbed me. It was his kindness that made me cautious...unsure of where I stood. He put it in eloquent words and I believed...foolishly I believed. In the dream he asked about how I was....this used to be a daily question...they way we started every phone call. Before it was always the same response..."good" I would say since there was never enough time between conversations to merit any other response. I think the dream was evoked by all the small clues he left behind....the white t-shirt he left from our camping trip, the cd we listened to over and over again but only track 5, the letter in which he listed the things he loved about me, the hot pink postits he hid all over my house so when he left I would still have reminders he was there...and that he loved me, lastly the card- yes that one-the haunting words of the poem he left inside. I didn't understand it the first time I read it. 32 times later I think it took. The words that should have been "Happy Birthday". The words that in their own cryptic way meant goodbye. All of these details like ghosts that I thought had finally left and now I was here in this dream with him once more. I plead with him to understand. He looks at me as though I should already know. Like I am absent if I don't. He tells me that it's his "disability" that keeps him away...in the dream I know in my mind that this is just another code word. One that writers use to give face value but also to lend to an underlying theme. He didn't have a disability. Was this code for my work being too much for him to work around. He respected it but did he ever accept that it kept me here and not there. Or was he referring to himself....The way he always felt as though he were "broken" because he had been hurt so much before. In the dream I accept his response without question. In the dream I completely understand. In the dream there are no tears just a "thankyou". Because in the dream that was enough to move on.