Have you ever had that dream where you are starting a new job or giving a class presentation and you are standing in front of a group of people and you realize you are completely unprepared. You know you are supposed to be there and that others are expecting to gain something from you but you aren't sure exactly what it is or the details of what you need to communicate? This is such a regular dream for me. Especially when I am beginning a new job and even more disturbing is that most of the time in these dreams I am naked or looking ridiculous.
When John and I first began talking we spoke about religion often. Many of questions I could answer and many I couldn't. I am finding that the more we talk the less I realize that I know. For me religion has always been a feeling kind of thing and the logic follows. It's logical that we don't drink or smoke for health reasons but my choices for that usually stem from a moral aspect. John is a very logical man and he acknowledges that religion must possess some component of faith but he must find the logic and the evidence for it too.
He comes with me for an hour each week. We talk about what is said and he patiently explains to me other religious viewpoints on the same topics. (I am amazed at his knowledge of the bible and various religions.)
Last week he made a comment to me that was hard to hear. He asked me how I could believe in something so strongly knowing so little. Some might say that this is good. A matter of "faith". But honestly that would only be a self-corrupting lie in it's fullness. I was reminded of the thought given by Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “Now let us come to … a conclusion that will have an important bearing on our eternal salvation. It is that each person must learn the doctrines of the gospel for himself. No one else can do it for him. Each person stands alone where gospel scholarship is concerned; each has access to the same scriptures and is entitled to the guidance of the same Holy Spirit; each must pay the price set by a Divine Providence if he is to gain the pearl of great price." How quickly this humbles me and makes me realize that simply attending church and reading scriptures is not enough. I lost a lot of time during periods of inactivity in my life. I know I will be held accountable as an individual to learn the doctrines and be able to communicate my beliefs to others. I also know through my PB that I have an added responsibility to teach my family. I always thought of this in relationship to my children but now I know it means even more.
John asked me how I expected to defend my religion to others if I couldn't even answer his questions. He is absolutely right. I could get defensive (and I did) but truthfully this only makes me realize how much more I need to learn. In my defense I have had opportunities to speak to thers about the church and I have surprisingly sound it easier. Perhaps it is the fact that this is my husband. At this point it is personal. Humility at it's finest (yet most painful) form. I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I can undoubtedly pinpoint my end goals, but yet that is merely step one of many.
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