Life Through These Rose-colored Glasses...

Water thoughts...

2011-10-26T23:30:00.001-04:00

There is something about being completely imersed in water. Feeling completely weightless. You can't hear anything but the distinct sounds of the water moving around you. I love to swim laps in the gym. I get lost and for the time spent at the pool, I am completely checked out. At my job I am required to be completely aware and in the moment. It takes more energy than one might realize. To remain completely in tune with all that is going on around you. To be physically, mentally, and emotionally present.

When I swim laps, I develop a rhythm, albeit slow, it is so methodical that my body can go through the motions but my mind gets to move on to a place I cannot physically be. I am taken back to the summer I spent in the south of France. My mind goes here a lot when I swim. I can almost taste the air again. The dry almost floral scent along with the sound of the cicadas chirping in the distance. Every morning I had the pleasure of going jogging through the vineyards and wheat fields that surrounded our summer villa. The rolling hills were unbelievable. The colors so vibrant and views breathtaking. My words fail me here.

Perhaps what I recall best were the feelings I felt there. The early morning heat beat down on me but I felt so free! My jog was slow but I felt on top of the world. Here I was in country with a culture and language to which I was not accustomed. The land welcomed me and graced me with feelings I haven't felt since. Here in this new land, I found myself again. Perhaps the best version of myself I had ever seen.

When I returned to our villa, I jumped straight into the pool. The cool water removing any resemblence of sweat or heat from my body. The difference in those laps and the ones I swim today were that I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I didn't swim to escape. Those laps were different...an embrace.

My time in France was my first time leaving the country. Perhaps this explains why those memories from over 8 years ago remain so vivid. Since then I have been able to add more memories and experiences. When I dive off the edge of the pool though, the memories of France and who I was there are among my most frequent "water thoughts". At times I have tinges of regret that haunt me in the pool when I think of how far I am today. Thankfulness eventually steps in to remind me that I am lucky that I could have a small taste of these feelings and mindset I may spend the rest of my life pursuing. I believe that someday I will return to that place.

Thoughts...

2011-10-16T21:23:00.002-04:00

“Cherish your visions.

Cherish your ideals.

Cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts.

For out of them will grow all delightful conditions, all heavenly environment, of these, if you but remain true to them, your world will at last be built.”

― James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

Today has been full of "delightful conditions". In the spirit of attempting to increase my expressions of gratitude:

I am grateful for good music that inspires and uplifts me, fall scented candles, thrift store finds that bring simple beauty to my home, farmer's markets, good friends new and old, opportunities to experience new things, roasted fall vegetables, family, down slippers, the magazine Whole Living (my new fave), couches made for cuddling, good books, bubble baths, Fall season.

...

2011-09-21T22:29:00.000-04:00

I have never been much of liar.To a fault. I am always THAT GIRL that frequently has my foot in my mouth because I skip over the "think before you SPEAK" part. Even with small things. Like feelings. I wear them on my sleeve. Anyone who knows me never has to ask "what are you thinking?" or "how are you today?". They just KNOW.

I wish I could be better. Perhaps if I practice LYING about other things, these truths about myself wouldn't be so blinding. Some say that TRUTH is overrated. I disagree. A lost ART.

You have been chopped....

2011-09-18T16:45:00.000-04:00

Last Friday night the Mr. and I had date night. It has been difficult with both of us working to fit this in every week. Our fridge was full of single serving, random items that needed to be used and we have been trying to save money and reduce waste. We decided to create our own version of the television show "Chopped" in which contestants are given mystery ingredients and asked to make a delicious dish with these items. We took turns selecting one ingredient out of five from our fridge and attempted to create a culinary masterpiece. The Mr. made a chicken enchilada salad (leftovers used: White bean/sausage/swiss chard soup, lettuce, cabbage, hotwings, salsa, sour cream). I came up with some Italian style potato pancakes with basil tatziki dipping sauce (Leftovers used: Fresh mozzarella, potato logs, bread crumbs, cucumbers, basil) and a creamed brocolli/apple/leek soup. It actually ended up being delicious and food that we had become tired of was reinvented. I enjoy things like this where we can be creative. I should have taken a picture, reading this post back to myself hardly makes it sound good. But it was. ;)

Good things...

2011-09-03T20:13:00.000-04:00

Things have been busy around here. My parents came and went. It was so great to have them here to see a glimpse of my life here in WI and to experience some new things with them. Our time was full of The Domes (fabulous indoor gardens in Milwaukee), Dim Sum, gourmet chocolate and hiking. I couldn't believe how quickly time passed while they were here. I was so thankful to have them visit.
Today I canned salsa with the peppers and tomatoes from our garden. My first time solo although it brought back a lot of memories of growing up in a home where summers were for weeding gardens and preserving food. It was tricky trying to do such a large project in my small/humble kitchen but I enjoyed myself.
On Monday we are planting our Fall garden. Our cucumbers continue to produce along with our zucchini, swiss chard, jalapenos, carrots, and of course tomatoes. But the rest of our garden space will be filled with squash, lettuce, peas and beets. Yum! Today I made this delicious cream of zucchini soup. Some warm whole wheat crusty bread made the perfect addition. This along with the huge thunderstorm outside my window hinted at the beginning of Fall. My most favorite season.
Today marks the 2nd wedding anniversary for my Mr. and I. Time certainly does fly. I am so thankful for him along with the other blessings in my life.

Anticipation.

2011-08-22T00:15:00.000-04:00

My parents are coming to visit. They haven't been here in nearly 2 years. These will be my first visitors since the move. The next three days are going to be long ones.
Life has been interesting lately. I have spent hours looking at old pictures, home videos, scrapbooks. I read over "the list" a few times...it's been a while.
I suppose I get caught up in the normal day to day. I forget what makes life fabulous for me. I am so thankful for the pictures, ticket stubs, videos, memories that remind me.
The summer is almost over and we are quickly approaching Fall here in Wisconsin. It is my favorite season. Always has been. The changing of the leaves, the wool sweaters, cool breezes. I made pumpkin pancakes today. It seemed slightly premature but the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg put a smile on my face.

Some old pics I came across....I can't begin to be grateful enough when I look at my friends and family and remember all of our great experiences. Humbled.

The best calling in the world...

2011-04-19T20:34:00.001-04:00

....has to be anything that gets you to girls camp.

I remember my mom literally had to bribe me to go when I was younger. I didn't care much for the idea of it. By the time the last day came around though, I was sold. I didn't want to leave.

I have become smarter in my old age.

Eagerly anticipating...

PS-Anyone have any great craft ideas and/or sites they want to share?

Iceland...

2011-03-30T22:11:00.000-04:00

Was fabulous!
To be in a place where I could go a whole week without hearing about unions.
To spend time with my favorite people.
Breathing fresh air again.
A spectacular view around every corner.
World class spas.
Seriously, an adventure.

Greyhound...

2011-02-19T00:08:00.002-05:00

August 7, 2009 I was sitting on a Greyhound bus. I was headed for Wisconsin although I only made it to St. Louis. It was a long and boring trip but the decision to go was simple. The stench was terrible, a mixture of sweat and stale pot. One other woman was there traveling with her teenage son. She spoke broken English but radiated friendliness and warmth like a Mother should. I sat next to a trucker. His large arms were bare beneath his muscle tee. His arm hairs were coarse and prickly and rubbed against my arm leaving behind a red rash. He was from Iowa I think. He presented as a friendly man but his eyes reflected loneliness. My Dad promised me "an experience" by taking the Greyhound. My Dad never spoke a lie in his entire life. This was indeed an experience.

Often in my life I have lept in directions that seem careless and irresponsible. This was another to add to my repertoire. The best things in my life have come from these times when I am brave enough to "jump"...the worst are those when I fail to be brave. My sister once told me I am "lucky". I was offended at the time. All of the experiences and education and friends that I had appealed to her. Did she understand how hard I worked for those things. I had them because I was brave enough to pursue them. I have never believed much in luck. I believe we direct our lives based on the decisions we make (or fail to make). With you I was presented with an opportunity to jump. It was perhaps the furthest and scariest of all. People say these are the ones in which we are most rewarded.

I could not possibly be more rewarded.

Small moments...

2011-01-13T22:23:00.000-05:00

My thoughts are scattered and unfocused. Ordinarily, writing has the ability to help me "sort" through things. Tonight everything blends. Beautifully it blends. I am sitting on the couch watching my John be the rockstar Father that he is. His brilliance is lost on 16. Perhaps lost is the wrong word, invested. In ten years, value will be realized.
His leg keeps my feet warm as I type. I am sure it must be rather annoying to continually have cold feet pressed against you. For some reason this is my preference over slippers. Always.
I have become a bit of a "homebody" lately. After a ten hour day, I look forward to coming home. Today was especially long and I walked in the door to find that dinner was almost ready. Things aren't this easy everyday. But mostly.
I want to collect these "snapshots" and put them away. Somewhere safe where they can't deteriorate or crumble. Where I can pull them out an enjoy them on a raining day. Days like this I feel exceptionally lucky.

Life is good.

...

2011-01-12T22:38:00.000-05:00

Psalms 46:10

Enough said.

Holidays...

2010-12-11T11:25:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Christmas Gloriousnesses

1. To see most of my family. In person. Including one tiny addition.
2. Sushi with the girls. Good sushi.
3. Baking day with the nieces and nephews.
4. All night talk-a-thon with my siblings on Christmas Eve with a hot crackling fire.
5. Visiting with extended fam. It's been too long.
6. Staying in the cabin. Fireplace, hot springs, books, and great conversation.
7. Pho
8. Prime rib and shrimp dinner on Christmas.
9. Watching the kids get so excited.
10. Feeling at home.

Giving Thanks...

2010-11-26T02:10:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow will be the day I gather with my family here in WI. I will bake a ham and many of my most favorite sides and appetizers. I will spend the morning doing some shopping but mostly I will cook. Thanksgiving to me is all about showing your love through cooking and baking. It is a time to spend unadulterated time with family. We will put up our tree and play Christmas music most of the day. I love the energy of this season.
Growing up, like many families, we would take time to go around the room and each say what we were grateful for on Thanksgiving. Additionally, we would take time daily to pray and offer thanks to our Creator for all that we were blessed with. Every day we were taught to appreciate everything that life gave us. We lived what I would consider to be a "simple" life. We were never wealthy but our parents taught us to find richness in work, nature, and family.
Today, I struggle to list off the details of all of my blessings without the burn of hot tears coming to my eyes. The sheer overabundance overwhelms me. Words of gratitude NEVER suffice.
MY DEAR JOHN
I love him. So much to be grateful for especially in the last couple of months. He possesses many qualities that I envy. He recognizes the needs of others in ways that I never consider. He has this ability to make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants. His "politics" are remarkable. We don't always stand on the same side of issues but when he stands he is immovable and holds to his convictions. I respect that so much. I am thankful for his ability to remind me who I am during those times that I tend to forget. His patience is perhaps the most underrated of all of his qualities. It has been absolutely essential for our relationship and he rarely falters in it.
MY FAMILY
My parents are unbelievable. The older I get, the more I see just how amazing they are. I kick myself often for not paying more attention to the things they said or did while I was growing up. How valuable those lessons or skills would be if I could just remember them in completeness. My siblings...I was lucky to have five. Five very different individuals who have each taken time out of their lives to teach me. I feel so fortunate to have grown up with each of them. Perhaps the thing I am most grateful to have received from my family was the ability to build a relationship with my Heavenly Father.
MY FRIENDS
Moving around so much leaves me now with most of my friends living states away but the lessons I learn from them are priceless. God has always given me a strong support system everywhere I have lived. Many times friends became my "family" to fill roles where distance left vacancies from my biological siblings.
I have so much more on mind that I continue to find difficulty in articulating. I am twenty-seven and I feel as though I have had some exceptional experiences. My relationships with friends, family, and God have made them possible.

Iceland...

2010-11-15T00:19:00.000-05:00

Isn't it beautiful.

Of course going is on "the list".

I think it is the very un-touristy nature that it seems to maintain that draws me in. That, paired with the picturesque landscapes. Mostly I am excited to spend some time with four very amazing women. It has been too long.

Our annual trip destination is ICELAND.

I look forward to it.

Sundays...

2010-10-24T22:25:00.000-04:00

I love them.

Today was a day. With football in season I find myself spending most sundays alone. It has been good. With many things in my life up in the air, I find joy in these quiet blocks of time when I can turn up the Jessie Funk, Mindy Gledhill and assorted hymns to reflect.

Today in RS the lesson was on a past conference talk given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It was on patience. I have heard the talk before but today it seemed to hit me in a very different way. I suppose the biggest reason for this is because I have spent the last six months waiting...patiently. (or trying to) With the task of trying to secure employment in WI, I have had to have a lot of faith. I applied for one job. It was the one I wanted. The one I knew I would do well at. The one I miss. In a failing economy I have people asking about the places I have applied. I respond with the name of one single agency. It is interesting the responses I receive. I get it. I would never encourage my clients to apply for one position and one only. I would probably say, "don't put all of your eggs in one basket." I suppose I just knew it was only a matter of time. However, even with that knowledge it required patience.

I have never been very patient myself. In this talk it mentions that impatience stems from selfishness. I suppose that if this is true (I believe it is) then the cure is selflessness. When I put life in the appropriate perspective, I see that it is someone greater than I who calls the shots. It is selfish of me to want to control it. To want the answers without the cost of waiting. When I am strong enough to surrender control I can be patient. I know that no amount of worrying or concern will hasten things along. It's not my schedule. I can be patient if I know that my future is in the hands of someone more capable, more wise, and more all-knowing than myself. Who wouldn't feel good about that.

I hate to turn this all into ramblings on patience but it hit me so hard today. I was also hit with the need to express a large amount of gratitude for everything that I have been blessed with. Perhaps the single most important is the love that I feel from my Heavenly Father. In the past I have often felt this through the actions and words of friends and family around me. Lately I feel it in the events that have transpired in my life. I am grateful for my family. I have a new nephew today and another addition will be joining our family in the spring. I believe they are already blessed given the family they will be raised in.

Truly blessed.

Lessons from a suitcase...

2010-10-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

Tonight I was feeling a little down on myself. Nothing major, just feeling slightly--inadequate. Along with this came feelings of "homesickness". As much as I have moved around, "home" isn't really a place for me although Wisconsin is becoming so. "Home" for the most part has been that place in the middle of close friends. The kind that are so close you are convinced you knew them in an earlier life and in this one...they are more like sisters. I haven't been "home" in over a year. To stave off the homesickness I begin reviewing pictures of our last trip together. Road trip from SF to the Grand Canyon. Most years we leave the country but I couldn't afford it with the my final year of graduate studies upon me so instead they compromised to stay stateside...so I could go. It doesn't seem to matter the destination. Every year this is our time to catch up on each other's lives. To offer love, comfort, advice, or good laughs. I learn so much from these women in our 7-16 days living out of our suitcases together. I have crossed so many things off "my list" traveling with them. I love them each so much. I consider these relationships among my greatest blessings.

Transition...

2010-09-26T23:27:00.000-04:00

Last week I began doing some PT work until I hear back from the "real jobs". (Two interviews in the next two weeks...fingers crossed!) On Saturday I came home to John organizing closets (something I rarely have patience for) and cleaning the main room in our home. It helped me out so much since I had an overly ambitious laundry list for the weekend. Tonight he took care of dinner so when I came home from church I could sit back with him and his son and relax! Later, he offered to accompany me to the grocery store so we could "divide and conquer" and when we came home he helped me pack/prepare our breakfasts and lunches for tomorrow. Sometimes with men you almost don't want their help because they do things "different" or let's face it, "not how I would do it" but John actually has a gift for details and functionality. I am detailed oriented but he has the ability to take it to a whole other level! Any man that actually dusts is a hero in my book. Now don't get me wrong, my husband is often a rather helpful individual but usually these are things that I take over. It has really made the transition of working outside of the home a breeze. I am so thankful for someone who is literally my "partner" and recognizes so clearly how to make things easier on me.

Reflecting...

2010-09-14T00:31:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been contemplating such things as motivation and mental strength. I struggle to understand how to increase these things in my life to help me reach my goals. One of my all-time favorite books is called the Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball. These two things at first may not seem related but hopefully I can clarify the connection I have felt with these concepts. The author cites an unknown author in a comment I want to share.
"Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil- the silent, unconcious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be...Life is a state of constant radiation and absorbtion; to exist is to radiate; to exist is to be the recipient of radiation.
Man cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others. He cannot evade the responisbility by saying it is an unconcious influence. He can select the qualities that he will permit to be radiated. He can select the calmness, trust, generosity, truth, justice, loyalty, nobility-make them vitally active in his character- and by these qualities he will constantly affect the world."
This hit me hard. My mind filled with questions like "what am I radiating?" and "am I making others stronger or weaker?". I am embarrassed at the responses I came up with. Spencer W. Kimball makes an implied connection that our thoughts are responsible for what we radiate. I love this concept of selecting the qualities that we will permit to be radiated. Absorbtion becomes difficult for me. Regretfully, over the last year I have been consumed by reality tv among other things. My husband often comments on my choices while he is watching sports or History channel I am watching to see who the bachelor will choose to marry. Sad, I know. Absorbtion. This is what I am choosing to absorb.
James Allen in his book As a Man Thinketh (another great one) said this, "Let a man radically alter his thoughts and he will be astonished at the rapid transformation it will effect in the material conditions of his life. Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot; it rapidly crystallizes into habit and habit solidifies into circumstance."
I think I will put this to the test...

Rambling thoughts...

2010-09-12T23:00:00.000-04:00

My favorite season is most defintaely Fall. We have been feeling spurts of it here in Wisconsin and it gets me excited. It's funny but I always feel as though Fall is a time for new beginnings. Perhaps it is all of my many years in school where the "new year" started in August or September. For me, the change in the leaves represents an opportunity to "start fresh" or "re-evaluate". I reflect on my New Year's resolutions and I am disheartened to know that the top ones have been abandoned as the stresses of the last couple of months have begun to preoccupy my mind. It's time to clear it out and begin anew. I ask myself if these things are still important...yes seems to be the consistant response. I will try again.

Football season is here. I was in PA last year and missed the opportunity to see how this would directly impact my life. And boy does it. The plasma is on perma-games, screaming and yelling now constantly resonate from the living room, and I have been able to get so much more done since instead of postponing the dishes for my fav tv show...I now rarely have an excuse. My sweet John selected Austin Collie for his fantasy football league just for me. He knows I am a big fan of his even if I don't really know what what a wide receiver even does. I am sure like baseball, my football education will begin soon...

Over the last couple of weeks we have enjoyed some great parts of Wisconsin. I decided I love the rural parts. John and I planned a canoe trip with his family and I was so glad that most everyone was able to make it. It was beautiful! I have been waiting to go canoeing with John since before we got married and I am so grateful we were able to make it this summer. It really made me appreciate Wisconsin a lot more and to get to know John's family better.

John and I decided to go northeast for a little "getaway". John made us reservations at an Inn located in Green Bay. It was kind of cool to see Lambeau Field in person since every Packer game of the season is sure to be broadcasted in our home. Even though we were right there at the home of the Packers he graciously turned down my offer to go visit some of the "sites". (Phew!) We spent the day swimming, relaxing, visiting a large candy shop, and eating at a steakhouse where you pick out your raw piece of meat and stand around large grills and cook it yourself. Bliss.

The next day we drove to the "country" and visited some farmer's markets. I had so much fun learning about Wisconsin's "local produce". My favorite part of the day though was visiting an apple orchard to do some apple picking. The owner was fabulous. He talked to us about his orchard and drying fruit. He grew all sorts of produce and I have to say that I found myself envying this life of picking, drying, canning produce and going to "work" in jeans and a T-shirt. He gave me me a bag of dried pears for the road in one hand and a large bag of fresh pears in the other. He was fabulous and I have a hunch we will be visiting him again for cherry season.

I am so thankful to wrap up the summer with these experiences. The opportunity to be outside and away from the city was well needed.

Here we go again....

2010-08-04T23:11:00.001-04:00

Ok, so this whole California prop 8 thing is making CRAZY! Did you hear a judge for the second time has now overturned it. Whether or not you agree or disagree with proposition 8, I have to say I am most burned by the fact that a judge has once again gone against the votes of the people. I will be the first to admit that I am still learning the ins and outs of politics but to me this makes zero sense! I love that our country has some "fail-safes" to avoid anyone getting too much power like the house of represenatives and senate but what good are they when people vote in favor of something and in a few minutes it can be overturned by a single individual. I feel there is SO much wrong with this! Also, this is the second time! How many times do we have to go over this!
It gets me thinking about this documentary that I recently saw the preview about proposition 8. It talks about Mormons taking over the world because they (along with the whole California State Christian Coalition-they fail to mention this) raised money and awareness to support the cause. I had to laugh for a moment. Are they aware that only 1.79% of Californians are even members and not all members are going to even vote the same! Over 50% of total voters voted in favor of banning same-sex marriages....the numbers obviously don't add up.
Again, this is a sensitive subject and I have friends and family members that stand on BOTH sides of this issue, however, if one solitary judge has the ability to overturn a decision voted on by the people, for the people, how is THAT "constitutional"? My concern is that once we start allowing one person to make (or change) our decisions for us, our country can no longer be "ours".
I encourage everyone to get educated about this. It may seem like this is a "California" issue but we have all heard the addage "as California goes, so does the nation". Something to look forward to.

Ignorance...

2010-07-17T11:58:00.000-04:00

A friend recently posted a link in which she commented "This link is for Mormons, this girl was a Mormon and now she found Jesus. She wants to reach out." I was dissapointed when I read it and I guess I just need a moment to vent. Of course I am used to all sorts of ridicule when it comes to religion. It's contoversal, I get it. This friend was someone I went through my graduate program with. We work in a field that works to stomp out stereotypes surrounding people with disabilities, addictions, and mental illnesses. We advocate for people dealing with things that most do not understand. We educate others to help them understand different aspects of disabilities because most of the assumptions that people make are WRONG. This creates fear and perpetuates divisions within our society. "People with mental illness are dangerous". "People with physical disabiilties can't work". "People who are addicts won't help themselves". You get the idea. I guess I have stronger expectations because if they are able to recognize the negative implications of stereotypes in this area then surely they must understand it in other areas like religion. This friend is a great person and it is obvious that she has a great love of God and Christ which I respect. But what happened to not stereotyping and not making assumptions to perpetuate incorrect lines of thinking. Mormons are Christian.
I have friends of all different religions including outside of the Christian world. Some don't believe in God at all. They are great people. I respect those that live their lives striving to be better. Those who work to make the lives of others better.

What I can't respect is ignorance.
Education is the cure.

Update....

2010-07-16T12:48:00.000-04:00

Things have been interesting around here. I have spent the last week studying, studying, studying. Yesterday I took the exam that if I pass, will nationally certify me as a rehabilitation counselor. I honestly feel on the fence about whether or not I passed and unfortunately I won't know for about five weeks. I am relieved it's over though.

I cancelled my trip to Utah. I am bummed that it will be even longer until I see my family. But we had some unexpected events happen that I felt I needed to be here for. I did get to meet John's extended family though. It was a pleasant (and way less chaotic) substitute for my own. They were wonderful.

I am getting used to Wisconsin. I have made a total of one friend so I find myself spending entirely too much time alone. I have to say that this is the first time since high school that I felt such an innability to meet friends. A few years ago Wisconsin was reportedly rated one of the "friendliest states"...which cracks me up given that EVERYWHERE we go here, people who have jobs that "require" them to be friendly like salespeople or waitresses, are generally not. I get it. Lack of sun creates insufficient amounts of vitamin D and makes people grumpy but come on!

I have so much. I am so thankful for the extra time that I have been able to spend with my husband lately. Also for the fact that in a week of studying I have not lifted a finger on cleaning/cooking/laundry/ironing...gross I know. My dear husband didn't say a single word. I am grateful for my home and the comforts that we have. Our small garden is now producing delicious vegetables and herbs which strangely gives me a nice sense of accomplishment...

Rustling sounds of the winds of change...

2010-07-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

I had a friend write me a letter once right before a big move. She refered to the different periods of my life as "seasons" and I thought it was beautiful.

Seasons come and go. Some seem long and others fly by way too fast. Often they change so gradually you hardly notice that they have switched.

This season of my life has been unexpected. So many changes that I feel dizzy.

When I was young I wanted to be a ballerina. When taught to twirl, the instructor required that before we even began our turn, we were to select one spot on the wall. As we started spinning faster and faster we were to move our head so our eyes remained constantly on our preselected spot. This allowed us to maintain our balance. The minute we lost focus, we would become wobbly and at times even tumble to the ground.

This lesson has become increasingly important as changes all around me cause me to spin. Focus is the secret. Focus on something that is strong, immovable and ever-consistant. This week has been a vivid reminder.

Essential even.

Reflect, rinse, repeat...

2010-07-02T21:33:00.002-04:00

Life is short. End of story.

Sometimes lessons are learned over time. Slow and steady. Other times we are forced to realize things in a few brief moments. Both can be valuable and meaningful. It is up to us to grant them meaning. We distribute value. We decide what we take from our experiences.

And sometimes the experiences of others.

Change is difficult but sometimes the consequences of not changing are even harsher. Sometimes even permanent.

I have learned that talking about change is pointless.

Change mostly feels impossible.

It is uncomfortable.

And unfortunately,

Necessary.

Fatherhood....

2010-06-20T21:00:00.000-04:00

I know this time of year everyone claims to have the "best dad ever". I do. I grew up in a large family where my father often worked more than one job just to "make ends meet". We had a comfortable, simple home. We always had food to eat and clean clothes to wear but with six children our funding was limited for things like entertainment, restaurants, and extracurriculars. As an adult I recognize the things my parents would do to save money that as a child seemed "pretty normal". I never once remember feeling poor or unfortunate. Saturday mornings my dad would wake us up early and take us on hikes in the mountains. We would be gone for hours and I would learn so much. He spoke to us as adults and I honestly feel this time spent with him helped me expand my vocabulary and learn new things that I didn't realize then, but later would become invaluable.

My father sacrificed time to help out with every science fair project, taught us to grow crystals, make yogurt, milk our pet goats, serve others, garden, live the gospel and to analyze the world around us. I can't even express the gratitude for the countless hours spent late at night working on the math homework that I chose to postpone. He helped me until it was completed and turned around the next morning and would wake up around 4 or 5 am to get to work on time. All just so I could get the assignment in on time.

My father would hardly yell in our home and has never treated my mother with anything less than love. He is the hardest worker I have ever met and I am constantly amazed by his knowledge of how to do just about everything! I think the single most important thing he ever taught me was not to limit myself. He has always challenged his kids to do their best and to continually learn about the world around them. I watch now with amazement as he falls into his role of "grandpa". My nieces and nephews adore him and he always has time to take them on tractor rides or go for walks with them.

I remember multiple times when my dad would invite homeless men in need of work to our home to help him in the yard. He paid them a fair wage and gave them food and water. I would watch as they would work together talking. One man passed on a paperback book to him as a gift. The pages tattered and torn but it made me realize how much this small thing meant to these men.

One year my dad took me on a backpacking trip to one of the tallest peaks in Utah. About 20 feet from the top I was toast. I had not adequately prepared for the task and my mind told me I could not possibly go any further. This had been my second attempt and my heart yearned to make it to the top. I couldn't see it happening though. I could only feel my legs giving out and my lungs burning. After five minutes of rest, grey clouds began rolling in and my dad looked at me and told me that I had to make the choice of whether or not we would continue. He wouldn't go on without me. Finally I stood up and slowly we completed the final ascent. My father helped me to stay focused on something I was certain I couldn't do. He let it be my choice in the end but climbed next to me every step of the way. Such has been the way most things in my life have been. He has always allowed me to make my choices and has continued to support me in them.

I can't begin to express the amount of love that I have for my father. He has always been supportive and loving and has taught me so much. Even the news of me marrying a man he had never met didn't phase him. He continued to be loving and supportive and even drove my belonging cross country so I would have them before moving to PA. He sacrifices so much for his family always going above and beyond.

Now to the future father of MY children. I have to say that I look forward to the time of raising kids with him with eagerness. I watch how committed and supportive my husband is to my step-son and how much effort he puts into teaching him the skills and values that I think I are so important to teach kids. Things like a good work ethic, resonsibility, knowledge and respect. I see these attributes so strongly laced in my husband and I know that he will work to instill these same things in our own children.

I am so thankful for the gift of fathers. Lastly, I must express gratitude for my Father in Heaven. Continually He teaches me what I need to know to get through life. Words can't begin to express but I must say that on a day such as this I am humbled at all He gives.

Vinyl Memories....

2010-06-20T19:57:00.001-04:00

When I was a child I would spend countless hours in my grandmother's basement. We had the most glorious adventures down there with her cedar trunk full of dress up clothes, the old books full of poetry and children's stories, mostly though, it was the old record player that would hold our attention. She had books and music of all different types that we could choose from. We would carefully place the vinyl albums on the player and adjust the settings. Oh the memories of dancing to the music or sitting around listening to the stories! Sometimes we would get creative and move the settings on the player. One switch would distort the sound to make it low and slow while another did the opposite creating a high pitched speedy presentation difficult to even understand. These settings created discord in how the music and stories were meant to be heard. It made them difficult to understand and the clashing of sounds were difficult to listen to for any extended period of time without becoming greatly annoyed.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like this old record player. Sometimes I feel it emits beautiful music or stories of adventure and intrigue. Other times I can tell that things are "off". The settings are all wrong and the discord is truly "annoying". I know what everything is supposed to "sound like" but getting the switches all in place at the right time lately seems to be quite the chore. I finally get something in place the way that it should be and something else falls apart. I can't seem to get it all orchestrated long enough to really make a difference.

I miss the music.

Trip to the Zoo...

2010-06-05T18:39:00.002-04:00

Milwaukee has an amazing zoo. It is large and beautiful. Spent the day there today. Lots of fun!

Angry runner...

2010-06-03T17:34:00.000-04:00

"To live greatly, we must develop the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and triumph with humility." - President Thomas S. Monson

Throughout my life I have had a fairly easy time reaching goals, completing tasks, making friends. I have always had to work at what I do but it has all been fairly smooth. There have been brief moments where I have had to "fight" for my beliefs or morals. Slightly more often I have come face to face with doubts and fears but after moments of reflection and a desire to succeed, they never last long. Not THIS long. My mind fights daily with my body. The 5am mornings take a toll. I am not a happy person this early. I am not a happy person when I put so much time and commitment into something that yields such few measurable results. I want to quit every day but a switch has been flipped and I know that the only way out of this is through. Today peace came in the form of a magazine article. It talked about our tendency to be less than what we are capable of. It's comfortable. I know for myself if things get hard, or they hurt, or make me grumpy; I try to stay away. I don't want anything rocking this little boat that I am so comfortable in. Stretching beyond our limits is painful. We set ourselves up for rejection and failure...really, who wants to embrace that?! This article had the ability to remind me who I am and what I am here for. I am so thankful for this knowledge. It has the ability to give me confidence and courage but only when I remember it. I am almost to the point of being angry lately. I never felt like an angry person before. I see each day as a near failure because I am not where "I think I should be"...I suppose it is the pessimist in me. I am so thankful for this simple reminder today. I am hoping that tomorrow I can be reminded before I even get out of bed. This anger and disappointment really wears me out...

Baseball Season...

2010-06-01T16:18:00.000-04:00

I love going to baseball games. I love being outside with the sun beating down and the smells of fresh brats and nachos. I love watching the game and feeling the energy of the fans. There are certain nuances that can only be picked up when watching a live game in person. While in NJ I had the opportunity to see the Yankees and the Mets play on a fairly regular basis. Now that I have moved to Milwaukee I have adopted the Brewers. Living in a city with a Major League Baseball team has really opened my eyes. Everyone here is a Brewers fan and there is an unbelievable amount of pride that goes into this team. The stadium is beautiful complete with a roof that opens up during nice weather and closes during rain. Attending the games are one of my favorite date nights....

Music

2010-05-27T21:17:00.000-04:00

I have always wanted to be able to sing. I often hear music that touches me. Inspires me. Changes me. I have always thought that it would be the most incredible gift to influence others in such ways. More than that, it has the power to bring peace to my own chaotic thoughts.
I was born with less-than-average vocal chords. As much as I will them to sound in tune, melodic, and light. They always seem to fall short. Growning up in a large family, I often had people screaming at me to shut-up everytime I opened my mouth to sing with the radio. I understand. A tone deaf individual belting out her made up words of Girls Just Want to Have Fun....disturbing. I couldn't help it though. My soul needed the music.
My oldest brother is a saint. Some of my life's biggest lessons have been taught by his words and actions. He used to play in a band. He has an uncanny ability to pick up an instrument and play. A natural. I envied his talent. I think I was hoping at some point, some of it might rub off on me. I was seven or eight when he started playing for me. Expose, Madonna, Sophie B. Hawkins were amongst the sheets of music. We would sit at the piano together and sing. He never had a negative comment about my voice. He never asked me to shut-up. He never pushed me away so he could have his own practice time. These special moments continued throughout my life. Even as I have lived a chunk of my adulthood in other states, I know when I visit he will be there waiting with the now rather thin, worn sheets of music.
Learning to play the guitar was added to my list around seventeen when I left home. No longer did I have access to a piano. and to me, guitar was a way to serenade more singing. I couldn't understand those who chose instruments like the flute or the saxophone. They make beautiful music but it seemed to me rather useless if you couldn't sing along with it.
I began guitar lessons in CA but when I moved I was forced to stop. I picked them up again about five weeks ago. Being tone deaf makes it difficult to tune and play but I have come to love the quiet times in the middle of the day where I can pick up my own copies of the songs my brother used to play and remember those moments.
Music is such an incredible gift. I often wish that I was blessed with some form of it and that I didn't have to work so hard at it. I am so thankful to a brother who never considered me a failure, merely someone who just "needed more practice".

My husband....the farmer.

2010-05-23T20:34:00.001-04:00

This weekend was awesome. I am now an official graduate of Cal State (go bulldogs) and can authentically place the letters M.S. after my name. I didn't make it to CA to walk but the pics of my friends and former colleagues make me feel like I am there. John finished his semester and finally we were able to spend some quality time together without the worry of assignments or exams. It was bliss.
John took me to the batting cages. I have been begging to go. The weather was amazing all weekend...I wish I could say the same about my softball skills. I have been looking forward to putting in a garden. I decided on a raised bed garden that is 4X2 feet. We dug up the ground and built the box...ok, I will be honest...John dug it up and built the box. I supervised. He cracks me up. As he is digging up the lawn on our 4X2 plot, he looks up with me and says "this farming stuff is really rough"...We often talk about moving to a big piece of land and having animals and a large garden. After our work putting in our "micro-garden", we may need to reconsider our future. I had so much fun though. It really makes me appreciate John putting up with all of my ideas. I could not have done this nearly so well without him. With any luck, we will have fresh green beans, snap peas, tomatoes, and of course a selection of herbs to cook with. I am crossing my fingers...
John also took me to the local flea market. We had so much fun walking around and got some great finds. We got The Natural on DVD for $2, an awesome set of juice glasses for $4, and amongst other finds...some books. I think we have a bit of a problem. In our office, we have a floor to ceiling bookshelf stocked to the brim with books. In our bedroom we have and entire wall covered with a massive IKEA bookshelf that is also packed. All with books. Today of course we got some more. Needless to say, I have some reading to do this week....

Mrs. Independent...

2010-04-28T09:32:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had those moments where opportunity pours down on you like gentle rain and you get hit with a sudden overwelming realization that "you asked for this"....It can be something positive or even negative. If it is a good thing, I feel blessed. I know that I am often given opportunities that I probably don't deserve but I think because I dare to visualize and hope for them, they are imparted to me. If they are something that I thought that I wanted and in my current context they manifest themselves as something negative, I often feel there is a lesson to be learned within it. Even if that lesson is as simple as knowing that I don't always know what is best for me.
I grew up in a home structured around independence. Actually, structured implies it was intentional and often it wasn't. I learned the lessons anyway. I have always felt that I could do things better for myself than anyone could ever do for me. This mindset is a blessing and a curse. With it comes the knowledge that I have control over my life, I choose and therefore I get what I want. It also instills a sense of responsibility and when successes come up I feel an unequivocal right to own them. In the same breath, I also own my failures. The curse lies within the fact that as much as I learn about myself and grow from past lessons, there will always be an all-knowing power who sees the bigger picture. Sees my strengths and weakness and understands how I must grow to reach my full potential. To give up control, even if it is to hands more capable then mine, would signify a weakness. Oh how difficult this is for a prideful girl such as I. I understand that when I am humbled enough to turn over my weaknesses they can be made into strengths. The process of change scares me although I see it as inevitable and even just a little bit exciting.

Oh Bernina...

2010-04-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

My sewing machine has spent the last three weeks in the shop getting a tune-up. Prior to that it was in Utah. It has been over five years since I have used it myself. I wasn't sure I would even remember how. We needed new hot pads...terribly and I decided this would be my first project with it back. Threading the machine came back like clockwork. The hum of the motor was familiar and as my fingers threaded the material through the foot I was taken back to a time when I was six. My mom first taught me how to make pillow cases. Mine were an awful "dusty rose" (my favorite color at the time)...I was chastised for trying to go too fast. My stitches didn't line up and the lines came out crooked. As I look at my finished hot pads I realized that even after all of this time and thousands of sewing projects since that first one....not much has changed. I am thinking that the only difference now is that I don't have my mother telling me to unpick each individual stitch so I can make it right. Instead I will hang these in my kitchen and use them and feel ok and remind myself "at least they work"...such is my life. Sometimes a little messy but "at least it works!"

...

2010-04-05T23:31:00.000-04:00

Yuck....I am sick.

Thanks for taking care of me today.

Thanks for cuddling with me, picking up take-out so I wouldn't have to cook, for letting me sleep in, for running to the video store, and for moving my car.

Love,
Me

A wedding...

2010-03-31T13:58:00.000-04:00

My brother is engaged!
I am so excited for him and his cute fiance...
I think I am even more excited that I might get to go home and visit!
I miss the chaos of my family. Each with their very different personalities coming together into clashing gloriousness.
Somehow it works.
I am sad that John won't be able to make it but it's been so long since I have seen some of them.
I hope they will be able to make it too.
I love them.

Gratitude...

2010-03-30T17:29:00.000-04:00

I have my quiet time. In the evenings after the workout is done, dinner has been eaten and just prior to climbing into bed; I fill my bathtub up with warm, bubbly, water. I climb in but rarely empty-handed. To me, bathtime is also a time for reading. After losing multiple books to the tub (did I mention I often fall asleep while reading?) I have converted to magazines. More specifically, one put out by my church called The Ensign. In it there are short articles on topics from religion, to marriage, to learning patience etc. A week ago I found myself enveloped in an article on gratitude. I have considered myself to be a grateful person by nature but as I read it I realized how much I fail to acknowledge in my life. I am so thankful for my quiet moments in the bathtub that cause me to reflect and recognize where I come up short.
I am thankful for so much...these are just a few on my mind today:

My husband who loves and supports me. (and occasionally encourages me to sleep in)
Family who taught me so much about life through their individual examples.
Parents who always have words of encouragement.
Opportunities to travel and see the world.
Cooking delicious recipes. (of course, eating them too!)
Friends who never fail to be available for me.
Knowledge that I am a daughter of God who loves me.
Experience of gaining education.
Purpose and understanding for life. (well some of it...)
A small but very comfortable home with all the ammenities I could ask for.
A healthy body. (it works a lot better than it looks!)
Understanding that faith does not have to be in large quantities in order for it to change your life.
Tempurpedic mattresses.
That large bodies can be loved too.

Spring Fever...

2010-03-24T09:51:00.000-04:00

I need sunshine.

This Wisconsin weather is getting better. It's still too cold for me.

My soul wants to be outside and feel the sun beating down on me. I want to stick my feet into the sand of Lake Michigan. I want to sit around a campfire again singing. I want to move my herb garden outside. I want my skin to lose it's pastiness and bronze like before.

In anticipation I chopped off all of my hair. It's the shortest it has ever been in my life. Short hair reminds me of summer. I suppose subconciously I am trying to summon the sun gods with this sacrifice.

Flip flops have been placed by the door awaiting the time when they will become useful again.

Today I have to resort to my self-tanning lotion and a capsule of vitamin D.

Truly, this needs to pass soon!

I am past due.

You can do anything...just not everything.

2010-03-14T23:26:00.000-04:00

I heard this line so often as a child growing up the daughter of two parents raised on farms. They grew up learning to do things for themselves and to become very self-sufficient. My father naturally has this attititude that just about anything can be figured out. This was a huge blessing growing up given that he was able to do all sorts of things around our home like fix our cars, build an addition to our home, shingle the roof, grow an amazing garden and also cook a home-cooked meal on just about nothing and still he made it taste delicious! I am blessed for this spirit of curiosity and drive to "figure it out" that he has lovingly and patiently instilled in me. I am finding that as I approach things, this is often what gets me through just about any set-backs.

My dad has taken on a new project and I am incredibly excited for him. Last summer I spent weekends at farmers markets selling his incredible hand-crafted vegetarian soaps and now due to the high demand for his product he has decided to go global. He is taking something that started out as a hobbie and a "project" and made it into something fabulous! Here is his website www.dabbfarms.com. Take a look. Vegetarian soap is fabulous for sensitive skin (free of harmful chemicals) and not to mention cruelty-free! I have found his home-made soap to be one of life's simple pleasures....do you have anything simple that brings you pleasure? Please share!

Love, Maeg.

Apology...

2010-03-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I received a call from a close friend berating me because I failed to provide sufficient information on my last blog. She wants recipes, processes, and reports on how things turn out. To tell you the truth most of these "self-sufficient" projects are coming from other people, websites, and other blogs. I will try to remember where I got the information so I can direct you in case you are interested in taking this journey of frugality with me.

So....how did things go you ask? Let me start with the mayonaise. I ended up doing it today given that I have a magic bullet instead of a food processor and there is no opening at the top to drip oil in for the proper emulsification....this will all make sense if you take a look at the recipe. (http://goodlookingcook.blogspot.com/) So I bought a food processor (which I have been needing since I moved back to WI) and still it didn't work. I ended up hand wisking it until all the oil was incorporated and then putting into my magic bullet until it thickened. Oh beautiful, creamy mayo. We eat sandwiches daily at our house and this is a staple! I stuck my finger in and took a lick. I was taken back instantly to that little Italian restaurant located in the basement of a bar. They served baguette with fresh olive oil from the locals. Jenn took a bite and nearly spit it out. The oil was so very flavorful from the natural olives and I think it is an acquired taste. I love some on a fresh baguette but in my mayo this olive oil flavor came on too strong! So disappointed! Now, olive oil comes in all different strengths of flavor. I could get a lighter one but I buy my olive oil in bulk and spending too much more will make the chemical-laden version from the grocery store cheaper, completely defeating my purpose. I will try a different type of oil (like peanut or corn) and it may even be slightly less expensive then I had originally planned. I will keep you posted after my next attempt!

Now, the laundry detergent. I found this recipe on this website: http://www.thefrugalshopper.com/articles/detergent.shtml ....again I ended up putting the ingredients in my magic bullet (yes I use that for everything around here!) and ta da! It was so simple and took very little time. Here is the cost breakdown for the completed product:
Borax $.32 (portion of $3.00 box)
Washing Soda $.36 (portion of $2.50 box)
Fels-Naptha $1.00
Total was $1.68 for 64 TBLsp (64 loads)
I am paying $.03 a load. Tide from Sams cost me $.31 a load. I do six loads a wk that equals a savings of $87.36 a year and since our home is small it's nice that this new detergent takes up much less space!

Today I made yogurt. Every morning we start our day with a protein shake and end our final workout with a another. Each one has 1/2 c. of yogurt. I did the math and for this healthier homemade version we save on sugar calories as well as lots of money! Together we go through 4 (1/2 c.) servings daily. With our old yogurt from Sams we were paying $626.08 for a year. New yogurt will cost us $116.48 which is a total savings of $509.60! I could definately find other uses for that much money. I will let you know how it tastes although I am not too particular given that we don't eat it plain anyway. It is always mixed with frozen fruit, flax, and protein powder. Also it was simple.

Do you have any ways that you like to save money or become more self-sufficient? I have a lot of ideas for future projects and I am thankful to the whole network of others who are willing to share these ideas and recipes!

Self-sufficiency...

2010-03-10T09:37:00.000-05:00

I love to read blogs.

Cooking blogs...sewing blogs...friends blogs...blogs of people I don't even know!

One blog lead to another and I found myself ENTHRALLED with a particular blog written by a mother of two kids. She talks about her life with her family in a small cabin. A simple life full of self-sufficiency. Her and her husband both work from home and they homeschool their kids. They make everything homemade from their own bread to their own toothpaste. To me there is something so HOT about being able to make your own products whether it be groceries or household cleaners. I am so drawn to this lifestyle she shares with the world through her posts. John and I often joke about moving to a small town and we have discussed our ideas for homeschooling our kids. This is the life we joke about and here is a family making it work!

I am constantly trying to learn how to decrease our home expenses. I am jealous of people who get into the whole coupon thing. You know the ones, they get 100 items for $10. I have tried this but we simply do not use the items that you find on coupons! Many of them are processed or "instant"...you never see vegetables on coupons. So this will be my way of trying to save some money and at the same time encourage simplicity and self-sufficiency. I am going to start making our own products. Now the toothpaste for me may be a tad overkill...(my very open and patient husband may not be up for that! I need to lay low with too many new things since I introduced him to parsnips which were less than a hit). I am getting really excited about this. I am taking it on as a challenge. Today I will be making olive oil mayonaise (healthier than the regular and minus the chemicals) and laundry detergent that will allow me to wash each load for under $.05. Wish me luck!

Has anyone else stumbled upon blogs that inspire them?

Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire...(in training)

2010-02-18T21:03:00.001-05:00

It has almost been a month now that I have been home, unemployed, and FINALLY living with my husband. The other day I was filling out some paperwork for my doctor and I chuckled slightly when i came to the blank box titled "occupation". I began writing unemployed and John happily informed me that I could just put "homemaker". My response was a ridiculous chuckle. I thought I am NOT a "homemaker". I am a student, career woman, wife. I was really surprised at how strongly I responded. Some of the woman I respect most in my life employ the title "homemaker". Why did I have such an aversion to this label?
Our society asks a lot of women. They should be ageless beauties in tip-top shape. They should be educated and articulate. Thin. Woman should represent fertility. Carry babies for nine months a piece and then be back to work on monday in their high profile careers. All of this while maintaining a calm household with home cooked meals and clean organization. Did I mention they should be raising brilliant, beautiful, moral, children at the same time?
Since I have been home I have been working on transitioning from my career/student roles and into something new. I ask your forgiveness as I cast aside this antiquated label of "homemaker" and replace it with something a little more....desireable. Now I proudly refer to myself as Domestic Goddess (in training given my limited experience). I know, I know....it's just a title change right? I'm comfortable with it though.
I am learning to love being at home. It has been so nice to be able to get done all the things that I struggled to find time for before. Things like grocery shopping, homework, projects, ironing, laundry and cooking. It has become like a game to see how much money we can save by me having time to eliminate "costly convenience" and do things ourselves. Now I finally have the time! I consider this time off a great blessing. At some point I will probably go back to work at least part-time until we are ready to begin bringing children into our family, but for right now I consider myself extremely lucky to be able to have the gift of time and the opportunity to learn to become a Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire.

Environment of Change...

2010-01-28T16:53:00.000-05:00

Over the years I have had many friends male and female ending relationships or marriages due to the fact that their partner "changed". Prior to meeting John I was rather pessimistic about relationships. Really, what girl who has ever had her heart broken isn't. The frustrating part for me were the expectations that I saw my friend's spouses have for them. The pressures to remain the perfect size, never allowed to show they were having bad days, the need to be the perfect wife, cook, maid, and mother. Who can sit under those pressures without cracking? I guess for the most part it frightened me. One day I may develop a terminal illness, gain 50lbs, or decide that I don't LOVE washing dishes. Will that be ok? Will this be reason for divorce? For some close friends it has been. Some even simply decide they aren't in LOVE with their partner anymore.
This concept of marrying someone and expecting them to remain the same person that they were 10, 5, or even 2 years prior seems rather ridiculous to me. I would be rather unhappy with myself if I stayed the same. If I didn't progress. In fact, one of the top things I was looking for in a husband was someone who would challenge me to be a better version of myself. Kind of a contradiction because I also needed to find someone who loves me exactly as I am.
Carl Rogers was a human development theorist who believed that people have the ability to make positive changes in their lives through relationships with those around them that are full of what he referred to as "unconditional positive regard" and also the belief that people will do the best that they can in their individual situations. According to Carl, these are the things that create an environment for positive change.
I have been blessed throughout my life with amazing family and friends who for the most part have shown me this "unconditional positive regard". With it, I have reached goals that at times have seemed uncertain.
I sought after this in my husband. When I found it I knew he was a keeper. To be able to love someone fully for who they are and where they have come from, yet, simultaneaously to also inspire and support them towards positive change is quite an anomaly in my book. For me it's priceless.

Today...

2010-01-27T00:13:00.000-05:00

Every muscle is hating me.

The end.

Update...

2010-01-26T00:38:00.000-05:00

Nothing really major has been going on. A lot of small things that add up to "busy". I am finally back in WI. I have been for just over a week. While I was gone John had our new furniture delivered. I LOVE my new bed. It is amazing. We have a small apartment so it has been interesting seeing how creative we can get get with space-saving organization ideas. My personal fave is the corner of our bedroom that John converted into a space where I can hang my curling irons, store my makeup, all below a giant mirror that I can use to get ready so we aren't fighting for space in the mornings. I love that I have someone who is creative with projects and can also use all the power tools that it takes to execute them!

I went today to get the Celiac test along with some other blood tests. The doctor also gave me the flu and H1N1 shots. I had like 5 needles stuck in me in a matter of one hour. For those of you that know me you understand that this a quite a feat for me! I was having flashbacks of the panic attack over my IV from the tonsilectomy 3 years ago. I like to think I have gotten a tad better since then.

John and I were finally able to start working on our individual goals. He has been such a great teammate for me. We have been doing the 5k training in the mornings outside (FREEZING) and just started P90X. I am sure you have seen those infomercials with the ripped men and women talking about how after 90 days they were able to do 50 millions pull-ups...you know the drill. We are modifying it. I can't even do a real boy push-up. I have a long way to go.

Bring it!

Bittersweet...

2010-01-14T22:09:00.000-05:00

One of the few conversations I remember having with my grandmother was when I was about thirteen. In her final years, she would stay in the car when my grandparents would come visit and we would run out and talk with them in the driveway. Her and I were talking about school and friends. My family had just moved the year between elementary and middle school and I was having a difficult time adjusting. I explained to her my mixed emotions on the move. She used the term "bittersweet". That has always stuck with me. She told me that it was ok to have positive and negative feelings regarding the same issue. Until that point I think I always felt I had to be completely for or against things going on in my life.
Today is pretty much the epitome of bittersweet. I have made many decisions in my life that have been difficult and have resulted in a love/hate conflict. I feel like they always lead me to the place I need to end up. They always move me closer to my goals and in the direction I want to be. They are however, still HARD. I am really excited to finally spend time with John on a daily basis again. I am excited to have conversations in person and to avoid a plane ride before heading out on our dates. As for tonight, I spend this last evening in PA reviewing my time here. I have made some good friends in this short time. I have learned a lot of things about myself and my field of work. I contemplate how blessed I have been with protection and comfort being here on my own. More sweet than bitter, but definately bittersweet...

Contentment

2010-01-05T18:43:00.001-05:00

One of the most difficult times in my life was when I moved back to Utah from New Jersey. Living in New Jersey I found myself. I really grew up. It was the first time in my life where I had girlfriends that loved me as much as my own sisters. They are the type who will tell you that your feet stink but you know that they would beat the crap out of anyone else that would say that to you.
The adjustment was hard. I moved back to finish my Bachelor's degree but by that time I didn't have many friends and I missed the fast-paced adventurous part of the east coast. The only thing that I did have were the annual trips we took each year. I can't begin to express what these trips mean to me. It is so much more than a chance to explore new places and cultures. It is OUR time to come together and know that we will always have each other.
During the short stint in Utah, I had a conversation with my friend Jill. I confessed that I knew I was depressed and that I was greatly anticipating our trip. During those two years it was really the only good thing I had going for me. She made a comment to me that although the specific words have left, I will never forget the message. She explained to me that I needed to figure out how to have joy despite the fact that I was unhappy with where I was at in life. She mentioned that it was nice to have things to look forward to but at some point you must be happy and content with the "day to day".
I haven't thought much about that conversation until my last posting. The sadness and feelings of depression have long since abandoned me. In my last post I mentioned that this year would be less about outside things like obtaining "stuff" or taking trips. I didn't mean to make this sound regretful. I wanted to say that for the first time I am comfortable with my "day to day". I was always in search of the "next great adventure" but sometimes I wonder if it was a cover-up for discontentment. In this moment, I feel like I have finally arrived...
The trips will continue and so will "the list". Growth and progression are necessities for happiness but I have realized that so much of that takes place inside of us...

A New Year...

2010-01-02T11:56:00.000-05:00

I love this time of year. Everyone recommitting to things that are (or they think should be) important to them. I have a few of my own that I am focusing on for 2010. In my younger days this list usually contained things like visiting foreign countries, having exciting adventures, or owning something fabulous. This year especially I am focusing on developing things within me instead. Dostoevsky said that "life is within us, it's not external". I really believe this. Life is shaping ourselves into the person we really want to be. Ten people can have the same experience and it may have ten different impacts on them. This year I can't be certain of what will or will not happen. I can however, control who I become because of it.
Marriage- I am going to be honest. Marriage is hard. I get why the divorce rate in our country is so high. I get why people get frustrated. Why they give up. I always assumed the hard part would be finding the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have a wonderful husband who I cannot possibly imagine life without. I am convinced we have known each other a lot longer than we really have. He is such a hard worker in all areas of his life. Most importantly he gets me. I have always been "independent" and sometimes even "selfish". I guess I am the product of life full of needing to take care of myself. Feeling guilty when others would try to do things for me. Too proud to ask for help. These traits have gotten me far in my schooling, job, and life in general but they definately don't help in marriage. Especially one that is viewed as a true partnership. This year I am focusing on this transition from "single Maeg" to "married Maeg".
Health-Ok, this is something I include every year. I guess it stems from this idea that you can never be too healthy. I have made huge strides with getting on a regular sleep schedule and waking up early. I have been more active but I need to get a stronger hold on this whole running thing. John and I will be registering for a few 5k races in WI. Also, I have a goal of doing at least one pull-up before the year ends. I know this sounds weird but it's on "the list". I have never in my life been able to do this. Now is my time.
Knowledge- I have mentioned my desire to understand the gospel more fully from a doctrinal perspective. This year I am not going to shy away from the things I don't currently understand. I am going to ask questions and dig deeper.
I am so excited to begin this year. John and I will finally be living together and it will actually feel like we are "married". I will finally finish all the requirements for my master's degree and I will be able to continue doing what I love. (with a pay increase) This year feels full of potential. I look forward to spending it with those I love. I look forward to the new experiences and memories that will be made.

Out with the old...

2009-12-28T20:52:00.000-05:00

I always seem to get a little nostalgic this time of year. I am always reminded of how quickly time passes as an adult and how quickly things can change. Looking back on 2009 I am astonished at all that has fit into a mere 365 days. Some of the things that have had the most impact are as follows:

-Completed my second year of grad school.

-Got my first "professional" job.

-Met, dated, and married Mr. Sutton.

-Moved from CA to UT to WI to PA. (Moving back to WI in 17 more days!)

-Said goodbye to my grandfather.

-Hiked the Grand Canyon.

-Married off two close friends in Key West.

-Took road trips involving stops in 15 different states.

-Took a four hour test comprehensive of my entire Master's degree...and passed!

-Increased running intervals to 3 minutes on/ 3 minutes off...believe it or not this was a big feat for me!

Believe it or not I look forward to a very quiet and predictable 2010....resolutions to follow.

The great debate...

2009-12-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Recently I have been researching a lot of the controversial issues that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are confronted with. It is interesting to me how much of the negative views are devoid of fact or firm basis. Many are stereotypes or perceptions formed from misconceptions brought out by the media or anti-mormon literature. I suppose this is why they are considered "controversial". I will be honest, I have always been the type to understand the gospel from a more "emotional" perspective. I KNOW that it's true by the way that I felt being in the same room with president Gordon B. Hinkley and feeling of his amazing love for people, I KNOW because of the strength I have gained to overcome myself through trials and bad choices, I KNOW because of the warmth that comes over me at the beginning chords of Come Thou Fount or I Stand all Amazed. I KNOW through the overwelming peace that I felt at the funeral of a loved one, just the simple knowledge that I will see him again. These are all things I can share to non-member friends but they are personal and I don't expect them to necessarily understand my feelings.
As of late I have been trying to learn the gospel from a more doctrinal perspective. I think it is essential. Prophets and leaders encourage us to test our faith and to explore the gospel in depth. To gain our own testimony that can stand independently. How else are we expected to share the gospel with others. It is not enough simply to be an example. Many religions teach people to have values and morals. Many teach to love your neighbor and to be honest. We must also be able to explain our beliefs and to defend them intelligently. How lucky we are to live in a time that we have the resources at our fingertips. The words of the prophets in every conference session available in all different languages and formats, writings of gospel scholars available online, worldwide missionaries, and of course the Book of Mormon and Bible available free to anyone who requests them. I am grateful for the experiences that I have had that encourage me to study harder and stronger and to simply articulate the truths that in my heart I already KNOW.

Distance...

2009-12-10T17:05:00.001-05:00

I am going on three months now. I never knew it would feel like an eternity. I thought I was stronger....more independent. I am the "queen of long distance relationships"...I don't know if it's the ring on my finger or just the fact that He rocks my world. I do know I am tired of it.

Gettysburg...

2009-12-06T16:41:00.001-05:00

This weekend Jenn and Rilee came down from Jersey to go to Gettysburg with me for the weekend. We had a blast! It started snowing on our way down and it was Freezing! After being in CA for the last 2 years I think I have completely turned into a wuss. Being able to spend time with friends, shop, and eat delicious food made up for it though. One of the first things we did was go to a museum which featured life-sized wax sculptures representing some of the events leading up to the war. Let me just say that they were freaky. Some of them were mechanized so when you walked past they would move....I felt like I was in a haunted house they looked so creepy. Also myself and mechanized faxe moving people do not mix. (this could stem from that freaky kids show called Today's Special....anyone remember that???) Thanks RiLee and Jenn for coming down and hanging out! It was fun!

Football

2009-11-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

We also had the missionaries over a few times...for Thanksgiving and also to push RiLee's dead BMW up the driveway so I could get out on Sunday!!! Here are some pics from our football game the day after Thanksgiving....usually there are more people but we had a lot flake out since it was a tad windy...it was really a beautiful day to play!

Thanksgiving!

2009-11-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

This Thanksgiving I had the opportunity to go to Jersey to spend time with my friends. I missed John like crazy but he might actually be glad I went since I learned some pretty amazing recipes and cooking techniques from RiLee who has this ability to cook pure deliciousness without even breaking a sweat! Here are some pics from the preparation!

Laundromats: The Great Search for Chicks and Spirituality...

2009-11-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

The old laundromat down the street with its dimming flourescent lighting buzzes like a swarm of bees. It makes the old washers and dryers have a yellowish tint not unlike an old photograph from the sixties or seventies. The hum of the Maytags sing to me softly. A row of plastic chairs are bolted to the floor next to the folding tables. Random dryer sheets flutter to the ground as I take in the smell of "fresh breeze"...I have grown used to this place. I sit here for fifty-two minutes as my clothes become clean again. I am not here often but regular. Each time I inevitably get roped into conversation despite my efforts to appear "pre-occupied". Hoping that the pink earphones from my IPOD or the newest chick-lit novel will deter any "chatty Kathies" from striking up conversation. I don't mean to be rude....in fact, I often talk to strangers but once the sun has gone down, I am tired of talking. Always talking, and listening which is perhaps the most tiring. I can't listen anymore tonight.

The first time I was here a tall man used the line "you sure are a long way from home"...briefly, I pause. Moving around so much has caused me to forget sometimes where home is...and even worse at times I forget where I am. Everything mushes together. I realize my CA license plates are still on my car and I make the connection. "Yeah" I respond without much affect. He begins to converse with me. I think he is hitting on me. I hate to sound self-involved but he carries on. I lie to him. I tell him my husband moved here with me. He quickly retracts and the conversation is over. Two weeks later I am having same conversation with an entirely different man. Same lines. Same lie. (Did someone write a book on this or something?) It's like on of those freaky sci-fi movies where the same event happens over and over again. Different people but same words. By the third time I am accepting it as "traditional laundromat conversation starters". I guess I missed the memo.

Thirty something, single, men are not the only ones who like to solicit themselves at this laundromat. One day I was approached by a well-dressed older woman asking me if I knew God. This time I am armed with IPOD, Grisham novel, and cell phone texting deterents. I pretend I don't hear her but she stands in front of me unwilling to take my non-subtle hints. I look up and she asks if she can read the Bible with me. I oblige her...do I have a choice? She represents a religion know well for their prostelatizing. She reads for ten minutes talking about the end of the world which only emphasizes the bleak ambiance. She leaves me a brochure and tells me that she can help save me. Tonight I walk into the laudromat and find it empty. A man emerges from the back and leaves then returns. He too pulls out the line "you sure are far from home"...I think to myself "I really need to get those changed". He asks me if I go to church. "Yes", I reply. "Have you found one here?" "Yes" "I want to invite you to MY church", he says. He tells me the name and I don't recognize it. I ask if he is Christian. He replies, "My church is centered in Christ but we are anti-baptist." I haven't heard of this one before. A woman walks in and informs him it is time to leave. He is done trying to save me too. I am once again left alone. All that is left is the hum of the dryer and the flicker of the lights. This has become comfortable again.

Truth...

2009-11-20T22:33:00.001-05:00

If truth were to be hidden,

Intentionally, out of reach.

If you couldn't hide the goodness

Would you not mask evil with that same vein.

Would you surround truth with trials of faith?

Would you make it harder to obtain?

Would you masquerade evil to dance more easily

And make honest men die for it's sake.

Truth is objective.

Men seek, interpret and learn in subjectivity.

Experiences, thoughts and feelings woven within it's lines.

Yet, still men want proof.

If it were to be the most true,

would he not want to create the most opposition.

Lead those away who might benefit

Lull them believing it's easier, less resistance, less change.

Would the conquering of doubt be the thing to let faith in?

Would men lay down their need of proof,

If they could see the difference.

If they could feel His love.

Perhaps then, they could believe.

Boars, Cancer, and a glimpse at the stars...

2009-11-20T20:32:00.001-05:00

John called tonight with the discovery of some bad news...

we are both boars.

According to Chinese Astrology, we are in for a rough relationship with our clashing personalities. With this disturbing news I turned to the stars....Ok, ok, ok I know what most of you are thinking....I have spent way too much time with "crazies"... I have never been a big believer in astrology (no offense to those who happen to be) but I wanted to find something that would counteract the superstitions that accompanied his news. I wanted to find something that would tell me that our natures were compatible and that we will have a glorious happy ending...you know, the kind you see in the movies. The ones that seem so easy.

Fat chance.

This is what astrologists have to say to me (Aries) in regards to my marriage with John (Cancer)...

"You are a fire sign, and Cancer is water. This is not a favorable combination, and will require lots of effort in order to work. Cancer has a sense of responsibility, a good head when it comes to financial security and real estate decisions. He is constructive, practical, conservative, and likes to settle down. You, Aries, are a fiery, aggressive, independent globe-trotter. See the clash here? Cancer will try to channel all your energetic forces into constructive projects. He will try to "mother" you, and won't understand why you are given to flighty, impractical dramas. The upside of this match: awesome physical attraction. If you both can learn to compromise, compromise, compromise...you can build a steady, interesting, and passionate love relationship."

The disturbing news is that this actually kind of fits us. A lot.

So why am I not worried? This is telling me that our relationship will be rough at first but if we are able to compromise we will have "steady and passionate love". Isn't this true for just about any marriage. I think the hardest part for me is learning to adjust to someone doing and thinking about everything so differently than what I am used to. I must say though...it makes me stronger.

I wouldn't trade it for the stars.

Christmas Music....

2009-11-14T19:11:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am lame. I am changing my blog music to a Christmas list. Don't judge me.

Assumptions...

2009-11-14T17:32:00.000-05:00

...make me crazy. One of my biggest pet peeves is when others assume that I feel a certain way, or that I will act a certain way, or even worse they assume they understand why I am the way that I am. Fat people are fat because they are lazy....alcoholics will never change because they are addicts....you are from Utah so you must not understand the world...you get the idea. So much misinterpretation would go away if people would take the time to hear things from the source. To ask questions to better understand someone as opposed to assuming that we have them figured out. I admit I too am guilty...but I am definately working on it.

To you...

2009-11-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

I love the way your eyes follow me.

The way you kiss my forehead when doubt clouds my eyes. You know...the kiss that tells me things will all be ok even though I often lack faith.

I love the fact that you let me go when you want to tell me "stay".

The fact that you rub my stomach. Despite it's largeness you seem to caress it as though you love even that part of me. The one part I have yet to even find acceptance with.

I love the fact that you dance twelve songs with me in one night just to continue our quest for "our perfect song".

I love the way your arm gently grasps my elbow to hold me up when I thought I couldn't stand.

The way you distracted two of my favorite little girls so the loss of a loved one didn't sting so much.

I delight in the way you interact with your nieces and nephews in Spanish as their beloved "tio".

I enjoy the excitement you get in the small things like beds, budgets and homecooked meals.

I revel in the fact that you work so hard to support us.

The way you value education and aren't intimidated by the fact that I do too.

I relish the times when you grab my feet and rub them gently when I am stuck wearing heals all day.

I love that you know my beliefs are unique and even if you don't understand it all yet you appreciate it.

Your politics make me smile.

I like when you scratch my back when we sit in church and even more that you come with me nearly every week.

I enjoy that you don't mind this whole "18 kids" concept.

I laugh because you are so simply entertained by cartoons.

You make me feel invincible and humbled all at the same time.

Thank you Love.

...

2009-11-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

..."That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our potential to do it is increased." -Heber J. Grant

My feet pound against the track every other day believing that at some point it will get easier. One day the burning in my chest will subside to calm rhythmic breaths. My joints will loosen and the sharp pains will transform to a dull pulsing. My body will go from this broken, inefficient mess to a strong, well-oiled machine. My mind will ease into thoughts of empowerment and the waves of discouragement will calm to a stillness. One day I will taste the success of this long-awaited achievement. One day I will know that I am capable of anything. One day I will understand perserverance on a new level....

Today, is not that day.

I LoVe ReHab....

2009-10-06T17:24:00.000-04:00

Today I had to write my weekly journal for my internship class. In it I am supposed to write about my experiences and reflect on the things that I am learning. I have felt so lucky to have the resources to pursue my education and even luckier that I was able to find a full-time job so quickly and in our bad economy. The best part though, is that I LOVE what I do. Many times people think about Rehabilitation Counseling as substance abuse. This is a part of it but there are SO MANY things that go into it. Rehab counselors work in schools, hospitals, state or federal agencies, or even open their own businesses. We work with people with physical disabilities, mental illnesses, addictions of all kinds, and learning disabilities. As you can see there is such a wide spectrum of what you can do. I work in public vocational rehabilitiation and as such I work with all different types of people to help them reach their employment, educational, and personal goals. Being such a goal-driven person myself, you can see why this makes me so happy! I love being able to connect people to resources and counsel with them to help them overcome any employment barriers they may have. I love that you never know what you are going to get and that everyday is so different. Also, I am finally out of my cubicle....at least part time.

Conference and Jacque....

2009-10-04T16:15:00.000-04:00

Meet my former lover....Jacque Torres. (well, at least his chocolate)

These beautiful little morsels melt like heavenly manna in my mouth. I went this weekend to partake of them in NYC. We have had an off again on again relationship over the last four years. Everytime I am near the city I think of them. I crave them. I dream of them. I got a box of them to take to John next weekend. Thanks Joanne, Jenn, and RiLee for humoring me with a trip to the city just so I could experience this greatness once more.

We also went to the "Cowboy Bar" for a girl's night out. I LOVE dancing to country music. It was a little different being married now. I miss my husband!

This weekend is conference. Truly looking forward to it.

Apple Picking....

2009-10-04T16:04:00.000-04:00

Equals gloriousness! Great friends, delicious crisp apples, fall weather....gotta love it. Fall is my favorite season ever and since I am in PA all by myself I travel the short 2 1/2 hrs on the weekends to NJ so I can hang out with close friends. We traveled together to upstate NY to pick apples to celebrate Fall....it was fabulous!

Update...

2009-09-19T12:31:00.001-04:00

It has been almost a week without full internet access. John bought me an awesome wedding present...a pink phone that has yahoo directions, facebook, hotmail, and yahoo. My only reservation is that I can't blog on it!!! Anyways, things are going really well here in PA. Harrisburg is a small city but with amazing architecture. At night the light from the street lamps reflect off of the Susquehanna River. Multiple bridges take you in and out from the suburbs to the city. I have an infatuation with bridges and train tracks so this makes me happy.
I live in a small city outside of Harrisburg. It is a small town but all of the building look as though they might have been built during the time of Gone with the Wind....I love it. I live in a small bed and breakfast and Target is only minutes from me!
The job is going really well. I truly love what I do. Everyone is really nice and supportive and I get my own.....(drum roll please)....cubicle! Luckily once I am done with training I will get to work more in the field...I am not really a "sit at a desk" kind of girl.
I miss John. A lot. Most of the people I work with are quite a bit older than me and I am not really sure how to meet people....weird for me I know! Perhaps this will be motivation enough to get back on track with running. It has fallen by the wayside through all of the packing, unpacking, and trying to spend as much time with John as possible!

Unpreparedness of great consequence....

2009-09-10T19:06:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had that dream where you are starting a new job or giving a class presentation and you are standing in front of a group of people and you realize you are completely unprepared. You know you are supposed to be there and that others are expecting to gain something from you but you aren't sure exactly what it is or the details of what you need to communicate? This is such a regular dream for me. Especially when I am beginning a new job and even more disturbing is that most of the time in these dreams I am naked or looking ridiculous.

When John and I first began talking we spoke about religion often. Many of questions I could answer and many I couldn't. I am finding that the more we talk the less I realize that I know. For me religion has always been a feeling kind of thing and the logic follows. It's logical that we don't drink or smoke for health reasons but my choices for that usually stem from a moral aspect. John is a very logical man and he acknowledges that religion must possess some component of faith but he must find the logic and the evidence for it too.

He comes with me for an hour each week. We talk about what is said and he patiently explains to me other religious viewpoints on the same topics. (I am amazed at his knowledge of the bible and various religions.)

Last week he made a comment to me that was hard to hear. He asked me how I could believe in something so strongly knowing so little. Some might say that this is good. A matter of "faith". But honestly that would only be a self-corrupting lie in it's fullness. I was reminded of the thought given by Elder Bruce R. McConkie, “Now let us come to … a conclusion that will have an important bearing on our eternal salvation. It is that each person must learn the doctrines of the gospel for himself. No one else can do it for him. Each person stands alone where gospel scholarship is concerned; each has access to the same scriptures and is entitled to the guidance of the same Holy Spirit; each must pay the price set by a Divine Providence if he is to gain the pearl of great price." How quickly this humbles me and makes me realize that simply attending church and reading scriptures is not enough. I lost a lot of time during periods of inactivity in my life. I know I will be held accountable as an individual to learn the doctrines and be able to communicate my beliefs to others. I also know through my PB that I have an added responsibility to teach my family. I always thought of this in relationship to my children but now I know it means even more.

John asked me how I expected to defend my religion to others if I couldn't even answer his questions. He is absolutely right. I could get defensive (and I did) but truthfully this only makes me realize how much more I need to learn. In my defense I have had opportunities to speak to thers about the church and I have surprisingly sound it easier. Perhaps it is the fact that this is my husband. At this point it is personal. Humility at it's finest (yet most painful) form. I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I can undoubtedly pinpoint my end goals, but yet that is merely step one of many.

More to Love...

2009-09-10T18:29:00.000-04:00

Ok, so has anyone been watching the "plus-sized" version of the bachelor? I have to say that as a fatty myself I have been dissapointed with the way that they portray large women. On the show I have watched as these beautiful women fight for the time and attention of a very "typical" guy. Each of them are asked questions like "what is the single most life-changing event in your life?" or "what is your biggest trial you have overcome?"....surprise surprise! Each of them say their weight! Ok, so I know I have blogged about life as a fatty before but I definately wouldn't say that I allow my weight to dictate the choices I make in my life or the limits that I set for myself. I think it is sad to see grown women who in their mid-twenties who should have at least a small idea of who they are inside but yet can't see past perceived stereotypes that they are convincing themselves that others have for them. Admittedly, I have accused relationships for not working based on the fact that I am overweight but on a show where the man is obviously looking for a "curvy girl" some of these women get all upset at elimination and claim that "it must be my weight" completely disregarding the fact that it could be that their personality sucks or their values and priorities differ. My second issue is that many of the women on here are professing their love for a man strictly based on the fact that he loves "larger women". I know that when I met John I was impressed by the fact that he didn't judge me for eating a big fat burger with extra bacon or the fact that I shop at a plus-sized store. Yes I LOVE the fact that he thinks I am sexy. But I have to say that these things could be there but without his supportive personality, his impressive knowledge and drive for learning, his manners, his charm, and his goal-driven persona I might not have felt the same way. I think attractiveness should be a given, but it's sad to me when it seems to be the sole criteria for a man you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. I am grateful for John and his love for my very imperfect body. I love the fact that he makes me feel like a sexy, confident woman when I don't always feel that way, but there are so many other things that contribute to our relationship and make it what it is. For that I am thankful.

Unpack, get married, repack and leave....

2009-09-08T14:15:00.000-04:00

So I think I have a major personality flaw...it's called taking on too much. We are up to our chins in boxes and John went back to work today after our long weekend. Ugh. Where to start. We leave on Friday so John can drop me off in PA. My goal is to get everything unpacked and looking somewhat liveable before I leave. Also I need to repack all the things that are coming with me. When does the normalcy begin???

As for the wedding....thanks for all of the congratulations! Everything went smoothly and my girlfriends sent me a large bouquet of beautiful flowers. We had dinner at the Cheescake factory with John's dad and my parents afterwards. It was great to see my parents again and I was really grateful for the time that we got to spend with them. They were so helpful and supportive. I was glad they got the opportunity to meet John too.

Thank goodness for family....

2009-08-31T16:18:00.000-04:00

My family has been so great the last month. I have sprung a lot of changes on them and I have really needed their help and support. Last week my Dad drove to California to get all of my stuff from from my storage unit since I will not have time to get it before my new job starts in Pennsylvania. My little brother went with him to help load the stuff and drive the U-Haul. I am so grateful to them for taking the time to help me out with such a big thing. It really relieved a lot of stress for me. My Dad and Mom left this morning to finish driving all of my stuff out here to Wisconsin and also to see me get married on Thursday. When John and I first started talking we had toyed with the idea of an elopement. When I told them I was pretty sure they weren't going to make it. I am so glad they are both making the long drive to bring my stuff and to share in my day!
Now for my future family....John has been amazing in letting me go to Pennsylvania. I don't know many men who are secure enough to let their new wife move to another state for four months just so she can accept the internship of her dreams. I am so excited about this new opportunity. It will be hard but I honestly feel like the experience will be worth it and that we will pull through. He is my rock!

Friday Night Date....

2009-08-21T23:55:00.000-04:00

So for our Friday night date tonight, John and I went down to the courthouse to get our marriage license....(I think this is when I start realizing this is REAL!). After that he took me to his salon so we could get haircuts. I must say that I wasn't sure what to expect given that most men don't really care who (or what) actually cut their hair. I wasn't sure how loosely he was using the term "salon" when he first told me he had made us appointments. Of course he exceeded my expectations and the salon was beautiful! Even better, I actually found a stylist who is not afraid to make recommendations and to really USE those thinning shears! The salon itself was located in a bridge overlooking the city. It was the kind of place that takes your drink order and has you waiting on overstuffed leather chairs....I think I could get used to this. It was decorated in a very Feng Shui style and the whole wall was windows so you could see the city. Best part was that it was VERY reasonably priced. (Any haircut under $50 and I am one happy girl). Very cool. I just got my hair trimmed and thinned but I definately want to go back. After that we went out for dinner and talked. When we first started getting to know each other we would stay up all night talking on the phone....it's nice to know that we still enjoy that even in person...

I Heart Wisconsin....

2009-08-20T15:01:00.000-04:00

Reasons that I love Wisconsin....

*The fabulous parks! (although we are usually spending time in them at 5am and really how much can you truly enjoy something that early in the morning!)

*Lake Michigan...standing on the beach is literally like standing on the edge of the ocean. The lake is so large you can't see the other side!

*IKEA! Well not in WI but there is one in Chicago less than 90 min from where I live.

*Tons of outdoor things like running and biking trails....I am convinced they need all of these so people can work off all the delicious things there are to eat!

*Huge selection of ma and pop restaurants that offer a wide variety of food from different cultures...

*Wisconsin White Cheddar Cheese Curds....fried cheese...need I say more!

*Homemade custard and at $1.67 for two large scoops... you can't go wrong!

*John.

Meet John...

2009-08-14T09:20:00.000-04:00

In my last post I failed to mention a large reason why my life seems extra chaotic at the moment.
Meet John.
As I have talked with my family and friends over the last few days I have been able to talk to them a little bit about him. I regret that many will not get to meet him anytime soon but I wanted to introduce him to you through words until you actually get to meet the real deal. Maybe tonight I can even snap some pictures for you so he can become more real and perhaps you could even see why it is I have found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Admittedly, in the past, I have sported a large cheese-flavored chip on my shoulder for men and perhaps even relationships in general. I think a large part of this was due to experiences of my friends and also even some of my own that have not turned out so well. I always figured it would take me a long time to "get used to someone" long enough to actually fall in love with them. I have always had rather long-term relations and yet still I could never get things right. Perhaps I was just waiting for the former relationships to "become right" when in retrospect, I see clearly why they could never be successful. I know that the relationship with John is still new but I also know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't believe how right everything feels.
From the start John has always been incredibly supportive of my ideas. I found this growing up in my family with parents and siblings to some extent but never before in a romantic relationship. We have already had to make some major decisions in regards to our relationship and future and John never fails to consider my plans or my ideas. He is a full supporter of "the list" and even loves me for it.
As everything is kind of up in the air, my first instinct is to panic. As I have gotten older I have found that I am somewhat of a control freak. Not when it comes to others (I am surprisingly open about this) but definately in regards to my own life. John has the ability with one look or one word to calm me down and to help remind me that everything truly will turn out ok. He keeps reminding me that even though I have difficult choices to make, whichever I choose will be a good choice. I am not in a position where I am forced to choose bad choice or bad choice...only two great things.
I have watched how John has opened up his life to me in a very unselfish way. He is making major changes so I can still pursue the things that are important to me. Once in a while in a gentle way he reminds me that "it's not just all about me." This is definately something that I need once in a while.
John is a very grateful man. He often thanks me for the little things I wasn't sure he even noticed. He also is very thankful to God and recognizes that all that he has is a gift and that it could be taken away at any time.
John is ambitious like me. He is not afraid of my intensity to accomplish goals and he himself is a "list guy". Education is important to him and he is preparing to begin his Master's Program. He takes pride in his work and is honest in his dealings.
I feel extremely blessed to have John in my life. I know we will have many fantastic years together and I look forward to them with great anticipation.

Pure unadulterated chaos...

2009-08-10T22:29:00.000-04:00

So things have been really chaotic for the last month. I have been wondering about where I am going to live, where I am going to work, and what I am going to do with my life. I have known that by the time September came around that everything in my life would change. I am eager and yet a little nervous. Just to update everyone, I am moving to Pennsylvania since I received a job offer for the position I wanted with their state agency. I am so relieved. I know that our economy is not strong right now and that especially when it comes to state or federal funded programs my chances could potentially be decreased. I feel grateful that I get this opportunity.

I quit!

2009-07-24T04:16:00.000-04:00

Lately I have had a lot of friends getting into this whole "online dating" revolution. I had done this years ago but decided that perhaps I should give it another shot. Three of my close friends have announced engagements in the last week and a few aquaintances as well. I often get accused of not trying hard enough or not making dating enough of a priority so let the record show that this is me trying!!! Here is my experience...

A few weeks ago e-harmony was having a free commuication weekend so I figured I would give it a shot. After filling out a grueling multiple choice/essay assessment the computer comes back with "no possible matches at this time"....awesome....out of the millions of members on e-harmony there isn't a single person that the computer would find me to be compatible with. Perhaps this was my sign. The next day I log on and find that I have six matches...some of which are "flexible matches" which I assume to be people you could have a possible connection with but are not gauranteed by the e-harmony staff. Great. The way this site works is that you submit pre-selected questions and send them to the matches of your choice. They can then decide to "stop communication" or send back the answers. When they "stop communication" you receive an email stating why they chose to do so...among responses like "pursuing another relationship" or "our backgrounds are too different" there is this one called "other". Over the course of the weekend I send out questions to all the males who are Mormon...(yes sadly this is my only criteria!)...by the end of the weekend I have 32 matches (I guess I got more match worthy as time went on???) to which 28 men decided to "end communication" due to "other" and two more, a week later, have yet to respond. The final two end it due to "pursuing another relationship". Great. Rejected by 28 Mormon men in one weekend who I am convinced that their "other" could actually be translated to "I am a Shallow Hal and I refuse to even respond to women who are overweight"...
So I begin looking at statistics and 70% of men desire a woman who is thin. Well where the heck are the other 30%???? Either they don't use services like e-Harmony or they aren't Mormon...either way I decide I want to find them! More research with my google search engine (by this time we have been developing a relationship with each other...a non-judgmental, silent one...yes I am loving it.) finds me five or six sites advertising a "big and beautiful clientele". Sweet! I feel right at home here....I quickly fill out my profile and matching survey. (substantially shorter than e-harmony....not sure if this is good or bad.) I post the same pictures and within minutes my inbox is flooded with emails from men stating "You are hot" or " I love your pictures!"...(I think my self-image went up 50 points within a matter of 3 1/2 minutes!) Over the next three days they continue to come in and I begin to email or IM selected men....(given the nature of the website I screen with much higher standards) Sadly, not a single one is Mormon....(I see this as a VERY SICK COINCIDENCE) I still talk to about ten of the men who I might add are very attractive and employed and Christian. My profile amongst my eye color and height states MORMON. This is an interesting thing. I get a lot of resposes like "What is it like being Mormon?" or "Are you guys allowed to date non-mormons?" one tells me what he knows about being Mormon and at the end he states "Mormon women are some of the prettiest I have ever seen"...I laugh. So in responding to these emails I offer up a bit of gospel education. Some however, I have found are on the sites for very different reasons than myself just as with any dating site and they merely want to exchange dirty pictures or speak nasty.
I decide that this is a no win situation. The Mormon men won't speak to me because I am overweight and the ones that think I am beautiful and "Can't believe a girl that looks like me is still single" are the ones that I hesitate to get involved with because then you have to deal with all of the explanations of why we don't drink, smoke, have pre-marital relations etc. Don't get me wrong...I am not opposed to a little missionary work but I also don't want to get involved with someone expecting them to change.
I have decided through these experiences that dating is WAY too much work.Perhaps I am selfish because relieved I return to my computer and cancel my worthless e-harmony account and realize that I just wasted three to four hours getting rejected by 28 to complete strangers in one weekend. Somehow I can't make it seem worth it. I do however consider leaving my "big and beautiful" account open if nothing more than getting that small dose of "I'm attractive to someone" feeling.

My Daily Plate...

2009-07-24T02:11:00.000-04:00

Ok so I just came across this AWESOME website that I wanted to share!

http://www.livestrong.com/

On it there is this thing called My Daily Plate where you can type in everything that you eat in a day and it calculates how many calories, protein, carbs etc. that you take in. It also includes a thing to calculate how many calories you should have in a day and as you log in your daily consumption it also tracks everything monthly. I have found it very easy to use and there are a lot of other great things for people who want to get healthier like forums for people working on specific things like better mental health, addictions, or even losing weight. It lists specific eating plans for people like a diabetic diet, celiac diet, low calorie etc. complete with links to info and recipes. Check it out if you are trying to get healthier in any area...chances are, whatever your needs, this site will have resources for you!

Family...

2009-07-23T01:18:00.000-04:00

So lately I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time around my family. Truly I appreciate it given that I usually live too far away to see them more than a few times a year. I always figured growing up that we would be the ones all living down the street from each other with our own individual families. I pictured us having weekend barbeques, traditional sunday dinners and raising our children together. Our children would run the fields on my parents property playing night games and having bonfires just as I did as a child. They would be surrounded by cousins who would become their closest friends and have frequent sleepovers. Boy was I wrong. With half of our family now out-of-state it's harder to stay close and to really know each other. Kind of a shame given that each of my siblings have very different personalities and life experiences that teach so much. Each of them have chosen such different partners and daily living. It amazes me that we all grew up in the same family and yet came out so different. Each has contributed significantly to who I am today. I remember once when I was nine or ten. I wanted to learn to sing. I sat in my oldest brother's room and spoke with him about my ideas. He gave me simple words of encouragemet and by the time I got up to leave I was convinced I needed to ask my mom. (Not a small thing given my upbringing. We never had a lot of money but instead an unspoken rule that we wouldn't ask for things that cost anything.) My brother introduced me to a new approach where I would look through the phone book and call all the music advertisements checking for prices. I must have called 9 or 10 places and selected the one that was the best deal. Then I went to my mom. She was impressed at the research and cosidered it more than I had expected. Eventually I was able to work out a deal to do extra chores so I could have singing lessons. Sixteen years later and I still don't have a voice that is worth aything but my brother taught me something very valuable and at such a youg age. He taught me that I should pursue things that are important to me despite my circumstances. He taught me to become informed and and be proactive and the rest will come. When I began college ten years ago I had no idea how I was going to pay for it. Education was never stressed in my family. At the time I was living on my own and paying rent. One semester at a time things worked out. I have many more examples of my brother's pearls wisdom that I have picked up along the way. What a great blessing I have had to grow up in a family where I could learn so much. I am so grateful to them and I continue to look to them despite our physical distance.

Motivation anyone???

2009-07-22T01:06:00.000-04:00

So during my trip to the Grand Canyon Jill and I were talking. I have gained a lot of weight since I discovered I have Celiac. It has zapped my energy and that mixed with the anemia I am finding it hard to have the energy to work out as long or as hard as before. I am definately not trying to use this as an excuse but I am a little concerned for my health. Jill is a runner and I joke with her all the time about "always wanting to run a marathon" and of course this is on my list. I have been interval training with a run/walk for three miles a day. I remember a time when that was no issue for me but now it kicks my butt! My closest girlfriends really know how to celebrate and for everyone's 30th bday we do something great. This last trip Jill brought up my 30th...(I can't believe we are discussing this already!) and she suggested the marathon for my bday. Keep in mind that currently I HATE running. I used to enjoy it well enough but now it's so painful! I have 3 1/2 yrs to get my butt back into shape so I can do this! I get to choose the country and the city that we do the marathon in. (No RiLee, I refuse to go to Wyoming!) This year the goal is to get 3-4 5k races under my belt. It seems so overwelming right now especially given my state of mind! I am eager to get settled in my new job so I can start researching races to train for. Right now I am crossing my fingers for PA...just waiting on the state budget to pass. Wish me luck! I will need it!

Love the One You are With...

2009-07-14T17:13:00.001-04:00

So lately I have been doing a lot of reading. Granted, it's not like I am choosing award winning works or even anything that I expect to be life changing however recently I have been frustrated with what I am coming up with. I love chick-lit...works written by women, about women, and for women. I love character driven stories that I feel I can relate to on some level. Last week I picked up this choice by Emily Griffin and to be fair I have read other novels recently that I would lump together with this particular selection but I wanted to throw it across the room with the turn of every chapter...why did I finish it then? Because a small sliver of me wanted to believe it would get better. It didn't.
This book is about woman who has a "perfect marriage"... now we all know this doesn't exist in the real world but in the book she really has this phenomenal guy who is good looking, wealthy, family-oriented lawyer, drives a BMW, wants kids, and says some incredibly romantic things. Who wouldn't wan this???
This woman runs into an old flame on the street in NYC and ends up having coffee with him. Over the course of events they begin to talk more and more and she even plans a trip to NYC after she has moved to Atlanta so she can go and "work on a project" with him.
This is all this book is about! Her thoughts and feelings that lead up to an "almost physical affair" are outrageous. She rationalizes their communication and becomes bitter with new life in Atlanta because she doesn't have to work, she has a beautiful house and all she has to do all day is go to the gym, shop, clean the house etc. Boo hoo! She begins to resent this life because it is not the passionate, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants life that she had with this old flame! I was disgusted with this character and her choices. In the end of the book she ends up kissing the old flame and strictly because of a phone call from her sister she goes back to her husband. She claims she HAD to kiss him to understand that love is a choice. Lame.
I am so frustrated with males and females treating marriage with such flippancy and especially with all of these chick-lit authors writing this crap that we are supposed to "relate to" and I can't. I hope that most people can't. I realize that without being married I may be missing something that only comes with experience but I have loved strongly. I have also had similar feelings of being "trapped" that this character expresses. I have not however, ever had a fleeting thought to kiss someone else or even communicate with a man while involved with another. I definately have never felt it was a NEED like this character in order to "find myself". Married, single, divorced and widowed people all probably experience boredom or lack of excitement in their lives at some point. We live in a society that requires some level of monotony ie going to work everyday or caring for your children all the time but my thoughts are why can't one just find a frickin hobby!

Drowning in waves of nostalgia....

2009-07-09T15:22:00.000-04:00

The last couple of weeks have been interesting....

* Cooking experiments involving GF recipes, my favorite being the white bean puree and chicken souvlaki. Yum!

* Stacks of chick-lit novels including my favorite ladies Picoult, Weiner, and Kinsella.

*Two very AWKWARD run-ins with the ex.

* Six nights of cursing myself out for cutting out on the mile run so often in junior high. Running makes me want to die. (Jill this isn't me giving up I am just sayin...)

* Institute classes full of children....since when did they let 15 yr olds attend institute. (okay in all fairness maybe they are actually 18....)

* Repeated plays of "If I were a boy" by Beyonce....

* An awesome day spent with Jenn...

* Great Fourth with the fam that included reunification with some old friends.

* Lots of job applications.

* More evidence to add to the Shallow Hal theory.

* Concious acts of trying to dispel the Shallow Hal Theory so I don't come across as stereotyping.

* Lots of studying.

* Interview with potential employers....

* Realization that environment is HUGE and as much as I hate to admit it....I think I need to move.

Key West!!!

2009-06-27T22:38:00.000-04:00

Finally two of my favorite people ever, decided to tie the knot....these two are very un-traditional people and they decided to have a destination wedding in Key West full of bar-hopping, co-ed bacheleorette parties, Cuban food, poker lessons, and plenty of fabulous beach! I had the opportunity to fly out and witness them sealing the deal! I love Amy and Brandon and for the three years that I have known them there has never been a dull moment! I am so happy for them both and I want to say Congratulations! Jessica and I...

Amy and I....

All the girls....

Brandon with the ladies....

The complete wedding party...

Car pictures....we had to wait out the rain right before the ceremony...luckily it all clearedup in time for them to still have the ceremony on the beach!

Just finished getting ready...

Party....

And more party....

Finally...more party.

Us girls at the apartment Amy and Brandon rented for us! Thanks for the accomodations, memories, and the laughs. Also...thanks Austin, Jessica, and Tom for the poker lessons...Even though Tom beat me by two measley pieces of candy...I'd say I am pretty good. ;)

Alcatraz and one last night in SF...

2009-06-27T22:22:00.000-04:00

We went to Alcatraz on our final day in SF before we all flew out to our separate ways...we did get the chance to have dinner at an incredible french restaurant called Garcon for our last night in SF...

Leaving SF....

Our yummy dinner...I highly recommend the rosemary pork loin....unbelievable!

This trip was amazing despite the fact that we didn't leave the country. I am so blessed to have close friends who are such adventurers and who offer me such love and support even though we all live apart now. I look forward to many more years of incredible travels, great adventures, unforgettable experiences, delish food, and learning opportunities....Thanks girls!!! I love you!

Temple stops in Fresno and Oakland...

2009-06-27T22:08:00.000-04:00

On all of our trips if there are temples in the area we stop to take a few pics...this has given us the opportunity to see a lot of temples worldwide...Fresno of course was a selfish reason for me to stop and see some other friends for lunch....and Oakland....well lets just say that it is one of my favs....we got to go there twice since RiLee accidentally left the video camera in the bathroom....good thing we realized it before we all flew back to our homes!!!

Hoover Dam and Las Vegas...

2009-06-27T21:29:00.001-04:00

Next we traveled to Las Vegas and stopped by the Hoover Dam and the Las Vegas temple. Vegas has never been my favorite place but we had an amazing pool at the Excalibur and with good friends just about anything can be fabulous. We spent hours playing cards...(Skipbo) and sunbathing. It was great to have some good chat time too. We really miss that living so far apart!

I couldn't believe it when I heard that not only was this Jenn's first time going to Vegas but her and Jill had never had a burger from In-and-out! I was apalled...this is the only fast food place I ever eat at anymore. We each ordered from the "secret" menu and RiLee paid! Thanks Ri!

You are supposed to rub the feet of these winged creatures for good luck...given that I am naturally unlucky I figured I would avoid this since I was afraid it might make my luck situation even worse!!!

Here we are in different states...the story of our lives for the last four plus years!!!

The Grand Canyon...

2009-06-27T21:01:00.000-04:00

The next stop on our road trip was the Grand Canyon....I haven't been there since I was a child and I have wanted to hike through it for some time now...We couldn't have asked for better weather. We camped for a couple of nights....it was fantastic!

Ghiradelli chocolate for our "gourmet smores"...yum!

This is about the moment that we discovered that our "four man tent" was really a mis-labled "three man"...good thing we invested in a large car so we could fit one sleeper in there!

Of course we cooked our own food over the fire....without a stove and tongs we had to get pretty resourceful...

I-5 coastal drive...

2009-06-27T20:23:00.000-04:00

So we left SF and headed down I-5 for some great views, delish seafood, and some much needed female-bonding time....

Here is Jill with Fran (our GPS system) andJill being Jill also came prepared with paper maps...good thing too. Thanks Jill!

Here we are in Morro Bay...

We stopped in for some delicious fish and chips at one of the stops of the locals...

Of course we couldn't leave Morro Bay without spotting the sea lions....look closely...

The coast was AMAZING....

I love these girls!!!!

Here is Jill holding my dress so I wouldn't fall in....I am not sure that in an event of an emergency it would've done any good but I appreciate the thought!

RiLee was in charge of the video camera and I think we spent most of the drive halfway out the window...we couldn't get enough pics!!!

We each had our own little vices throughout the course of the trip...Jill's was tootsie rolls....

Jenn and her Dr. Pepper....

Here was everyone working hard to load our moster car in SF....I sat and took pictures....

And more pictures....

San Francisco...

2009-06-27T19:52:00.000-04:00

For those of you who have known me for a while you know that every year I take a trip out of the country with a group of my closest friends. Usually there are about 4-8 of us that go. This year due to the current economic situations we opted to stay stateside and do some of the things we have always wanted to do here in the country...

We started out in San Francisco and Jill flew in from Washington and RiLee and Jenn from New Jersey. We walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, ate Cuban food, visited Fisherman's Warf, the Boudin factory, and Ghiradelli Square (try the brownie sundae with homemade hot fudge!).
Fried Platanos with black beans...one of my favorite foods! We had this at a Cuban restaurant in SF called Cha Cha. I highly recommend it. (As did Rachael Ray) Reasonably priced foods that melt in your mouth!

Of course we had to stop by Boudin for their world famous clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl. Yum!

Letting go...

2009-06-02T19:00:00.000-04:00

Looking back in my life there have been plenty of times where I have let go almost too easily to things that have been considered fairly important to me. Example: Sixth grade gym class where we are required to do at least three pull-ups. Should be cake. To an obese little girl with no confidence it was pure torture. I would hang there and even sooner than I should I would let go...less because my body gave way and more because I didn't think I could, so why hang there longer? This is merely a physical example but how about the best friend of 5 years that betrayed me or the amazing boyfriend who's only mistake was loving me completely. I walked away so quickly from these things. Let go like they were nothing more than a pound of unwanted weight. Now here I am clinging white-knuckled to someone very different than that. Tighter I cling to the rope in my hands until the strands begin to cut. More excuses and rationalizations masked and wrapped up like pretty little "Get out of jail free cards" tumble from my lips. My logic for why I do. My mind tells me to hold on because I am on a narrow beam shooting out in only one direction with miles of space beneath me and I am afraid of heights. Letting go could really hurt and maybe even break me. I hear the words that tell me I am somewhere else entirely. Lying on an open field of prickly grass. Every direction endless sky and dusty terrain. Nothing to limit me. Nothing to direct my steps. Merely space in which I can choose.

If I could just simply let go.

Time to grow up!...

2009-06-01T15:19:00.001-04:00

I can't believe I just received my grades for my FINAL semester of coursework. I have been in school for pretty much my entire life with the exception of nearly 2 yrs in NJ (that was it's own form of education in and of itself!)....Now what.
It has been so strange recently...I keep thinking "when I go back to school..." I am kind of sad at the thought of moving on. Most of you know I am planing a PHD program but the one I really want to get into requires 3-4 years of experience before applying so for now the love affair that I have had with learning must come to an end. *tear*
I have been searching for jobs and filling out applications (not my favorite thing ever) so hopefully something good will come up. I have also been filling my time with some seemingly pointless activities like reading a whole plethera of "chick-lit", laying out, watching movies, going to the gym and to the recommendation of my sister-in-law I will begin a clogging class this week. I am not exactly sure what clogging entails but I will let you know...

The Lake House...

2009-05-23T18:49:00.001-04:00

I had the awesome opportunity to visit one of my longest standing friends (nearly ten years) in Oregon. We had some amazing adventures fishing, hiking, capturing video and pictures, cooking, boating, and of course watching the season finale of IDOL....

Fishing...We grilled up the trout minutes after we caught it and it was delicious! Wallowa Lake...

Hiking...

The view from the deck....heaven.

Wallowa Lake...

Plantoon (sp?) boating...

The backyard...

It was fantastic to not l have to worry about any deadlines or schedules and just enjoy the great outdoors. The scenery was truly beautiful and these pictures hardly attempt to do it justice....

Thanks Chaunce for an amazing time and the R&R!

A week of "lasts"....

2009-05-23T18:34:00.000-04:00

Here are some of the final "lasts" that I had here in Freso....at least the ones I was required to document by my roomates....
The last all-nighter hair dye party... The last "girls" dinner....

The last BBQ....

The last roomate "action"...

I heart Fresno.

NAMI 5K...

2009-05-23T18:11:00.000-04:00

The Rehab Team from Fresno State University...

Two of my favorite fellow rehabbers: My recruitment coordiator and the President of the RCSA...I love you girls!!!

Warming up....

Stretching....

Our Rehab Booth...

So the volunteer organization I work with through the rehab program decided to get a team together to participate in the 5K for the National Alliance for Mental Illness which is a nationwide organization that helps to raise awareness about mental health...We had a great time! Also two of my friends Daini and Atoinette came with me as well! Thanks for supporting!

Sushi and Karaoke...and amazing Friends.

2009-05-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

Ok so everyone knows that my favorite night out is sushi and karaoke...so my awesome friends put together a little shindig at Sushi 80's the weekend I left Fresno so I could say goodbye to everyone. We had a blast !!! Melissa pulled out her mullet for the special occasion (I feel so loved :) )...I was suprised at how many of my friends actually got up on stage to sing. I think there was around 20-25 of us there and all but about 5 actually got up to sing! I am so impressed by their bravery....

Melissa is definately not a fan of sushi.

Blair loves having his nose picked...kinky.

THESE GIRLS ARE INCREDIBLE...my heart pumps for them.

My valiant HT....

Everyone minus five or six who had to leave early...

The "Mormon boys" were impressive with their harmonizing....

Yay Daini and Chris are finally dating!!! All of those bike rides finally paid off!!!

This was John soliciting himself and trying to get action...

My favorite Julie!!!

I think everyone had a fantastic time and I want to say thanks for my amazing friends for planning, implementing and coming to party with us!!! I love them all and I am definately going to miss times like this....

Time to say goodbye...

2009-05-13T01:47:00.000-04:00

Fresno 3rd Relief Society....well actually only about 1/3 of them...It was Mother's Day.

Here is my biking partner on the left and my raquetball partner on the right....I will miss these guys.

Me with my roomate Katy.....I have had such a great time serving in Relief Society with her.

My roomates have decided they are going to document all of my "lasts" this week. This is perhaps one of the saddest for me...my last week in Fresno 3rd Ward. Words can't express how much I will miss them and especially the fantastic Relief Society...

A letter from my former self....

2009-04-23T23:38:00.000-04:00

October 18, 1998
Dear Maegan,
Well I am told to write a letter about my hopes and aspirations for the future. Hopefully you will have lost some weight by now! Well anyway I hope you actually graduated from high school and made plans to attend college. Right now I am having a great time with life trying to have as much fun as I can before I have to start saving up for college and a car. I am excited to move away from home and move on with my life! This is my first year in high school and it's difficult but I think I will get used to it. I hope at 18 I will have a positive outlook on life and those around me.
I hope when you are reading this you have a really cool job like at the Gap or something. I hope you are making enough money to buy a nice car and perhaps you will have a cute boyfriend. (or a nice one) I also hope that by now you have a little idea of what you want to be. Me and Jessie have been talking about opening up a karaoke bar. We've planned it all out...I do hope you still plan on having kids eventually and make time for them. That is one quality I admire in my own mother. I hope you find a great guy that is strong in the church. As far as the world goes I wouldn't be surprised if when you are reading this there is a huge world war. I hope you are growing your hair out too. It looks pretty strange short. Well one thing I am trying to realize is that you could die off the world at anytime but you will live in heaven forever so take time to acquire a good home and lots of friends so that when you die and lose your worldly things then you can still have a happy eternity. Live righteously everyday as if that day determines your place in heaven whether it be a mansion or a Motel 6. Remember live faithful, have fun, and don't fall.
<3>

PS I love Aaron Christensen and my friends right now are Jessie, Kara, Brindee, Jyl, Shelece, Sheryl, Jennifer, Stacie, Becky, Emily, and Jenny.

So I found this letter today when I was cleaning...deep cleaning! It was a church assignment and it was meant to be read when we turned 18. I thought I would share it since it cracked me up to read about what my priorities were nearly eleven years ago! Things have definately changed...

Jersey Girls...

2009-04-17T23:03:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been planning a trip to San Fran, Vegas, and the Grand Canyon with three of my closest girlfriends. I am so excited about the trip but the planning has got me thinking about my life before I met these three amazing women. At twenty I moved across the country to a city called Upper Montclair located just twelve miles from Manhattan. I moved in part to satiate my spirit of adventure and have new experiences. I knew that would happen moving somewhere all alone and to location so close to so many different cultures, events, and people. What I was not expecting was to come away so different than when I had arrived.

Growing up I was never a super social person. I didn't really like large groups and I think I was even a little unsure of myself. Someone made a comment me to me recently about how I am able to talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. Man if this person would've seen me five years ago! Awkward, quiet, insecure...I also had very few close friends growing up and I keep in touch with an even smaller amount now!

I guess my reason for writing this is to recognize my fabulous New Jersey friends...From them I learn to have close relationships, I learned to serve and be served, I learned who I was and even better about who I want to become. Mostly I learned that no matter where we all end up we will ALWAYS have each other and even since moving away I always feel their immense support for me. I believe these relationships were not built by happenstance and that they have changed me for the good. I'll never forget the first time I hung out with them we made Sunday dinner together. Jill was giving me crap for being "one of those Utah mormon girls". Or the many times RiLee and I would have sleepovers and stay up late chatting like teenage girls. So many conversations with Shandis about life and watching her become this phenomenal mother that she is. Jenn and I and the weekend trips back and forth from Utah and Idaho. So many memories!

I am so GRATEFUL for them and I am so excited to spend time with them this summer camping, hiking, walking the Golden Gate Bridge, seeing the Hoover Dam and being with my ladies...well at least three of them. (Three can't make the trip) Someone once said that we become that with which we associate...I would feel honored to become even close to the caliber that these women are. I am blessed.

More pics....

2009-04-12T00:18:00.001-04:00

This is my amazing "Julie hug"....

This would be my moment of innapropriateness with my friend Matt...

The ever-coveted "question game"...just for you Nathania! ;)

Food and Friends....

Thanks everyone who helped out to make this an unforgettable birthday! (My only regret was that my other roomate was MIA and I want her to come back soon!!!)

Have my cake and eat it too!!!...

2009-04-11T23:33:00.000-04:00

So for anyone that knows me, I am not one who enjoys celebrating my birthday....can't explain it I just don't. This year I figured I was pretty safe given that I was in Utah for my birthday and my family isn't one for celebrating either....boy was I wrong! Apparently here in California, birthdays are not just a day but a whole week and if you are gone for your birthday never fear because they will get you on the other 6 days! This week has been full of free meals at great restaurants, flowers delivered to me (twice) and free movies with girlfriends. Oh yeah and did I mention since it is my bday week I got to control the radio in the cars, sit up front, and get my way! I have never felt so spoiled in my life and I am dreading next week where I will be forced to return to reality and abandon this notion that "it's my birthday so I get it my way!". Last night was the icing on the cake quite literally! My roomate and friend arranged to get me out of the house to pick up pizza from this new organic place that has GF pizza....when we came back my house was full of my california friends and a delicious GF spice cake made with love from my talented roomate. It was great to have so many people around to celebrate with me and I feel really blessed to have friends that care so much. Here are some pics although this is only from one camera so I may be posting more later!

I have been obsessed with Beyonce lately and I HATE that I am! I would never buy the cd for myself but now that I have it I am in love....

This is Brent seranading me on his "man-made" flying carpet with A Whole New World...It was pretty amazing...

A return to the list...

2009-04-01T02:34:00.000-04:00

So remember the list I refered to a lot of last year? The list that was created in Junior High full of all the things I want to do before I die?

#45 Learn to Play Guitar

I have this great friend who is awesome. He offered to give me free guitar lessons so I feel like now is my time to get #45 checked off. No time like the present eh? My first two songs I am learning are Come Thou Fount and When You Say Nothing at All...I am so excited about this...I am not good at anything musical but I LOVE music and it is a HUGE part of my life...

Choose the right...but which one???

2009-03-23T06:18:00.001-04:00

Things have been interesting lately...I feel a need as it is 3am, to clear my mind before I attempt to sleep. Today I have been focused on finding answers some major questions in my mind. Where I should live next? Where I should be working? What else should I be doing to bring myself closer to my ultimate goals? Today I received my answer but I am not sure I like it...

I am so thankful for being a part of a gospel that teaches us to be self-sufficient and to find answers for ourselves. I am so happy to know that I was blessed with good reason and a sound mind. I am grateful to have free-agency to direct my life and make choices on my own. Mostly I am thankful for the fact that I do have choices and my circumstances don't mandate that I take solely one direction.

Once in a while though, I wish I could pass the decision off to someone else to make....

Research....

2009-02-27T02:00:00.000-05:00

Recently I have been really DISTURBED by a common theme in my life and even those of close friends. My entire life I have been overweight. I have refused to allow this to be something that limits me and although I eat pretty healthy and I am active I am still OVERWEIGHT. One of my ex-boyfriends commented all the time about how I didn't act like a "fat girl". He told me that it was because of my CONFIDENCE and the fact that I never seem to be bothered by my size where others might be. Jason was the first man I have ever dated to be completely comfortable with my physical appearance. He always made me feel BEAUTIFUL and amazing. He made me feel I could do anything. So why am I disturbed? Because I have friends that are unhappy with the fact that their wives have gained 20-30 lbs since their WEDDINGS. They are unhappy because their wives don't go to the gym as much as they think they should. I hear them make degrading comments and allow others to do the same. This makes me SICK. If it were an isolated couple I wouldn't feel so DISGUSTED but this is coming from multiple men who I have respected and considered friends. I also have a few friends on the other side who are the ones being degraded and broken down. I see them emerging with deep feelings of inadequacy. I see them downtrodden and discouraged and motivation lost. This makes me sad. The worst thing a man could do is to make a comment about a women's weight....especially if she isn't used to being that way or she is insecure. It will never leave her...

I wanted to know the perceptions of men regarding weight and with a research class on my plate this semester I began asking these QUESTIONS:

If your wife gained 30lbs in your first year of marriage would you consider DIVORCE? (yes I have actually gotten men who would!)

How would you TREAT her differently?

What would you do or say?

Would it effect any aspects of your RELATIONSHIP?

I appreciate that I have gotten a lot of answers that seem to be pretty honest. Women and weight are not always the most comfortable thing for people to talk about but I appreciate their participation. All I have learned from this is that my dating pool just got a whole lot SMALLER. I consider myself to be strong.... but this is one battle I will never fight. I have tasted the JOY that comes from someone accepting EVERY part of you and the drive and motivation that is fostered from that. I will NEVER accept anything less.

Backup Plan...

2009-02-12T01:47:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was talking with G. He is my longest standing boy bestie. G and I talk a lot about relationships. We first became friends when we had a Spanish class together nearly four years ago and he offered to pay me if I would lend him my expertise in the "world of women". Four years later, now I am going to him....

We made this "My Best Friend's Wedding deal" a year ago that when we hit 31 and we are both single we will take the plunge together. Sounds oh so romantic huh? It seems to work for us though given that he is incredibly rational and I am just...well...."relationship phobic". (Five years should be enough time for anyone to get used to the idea of marrying someone right???)...

G is an amazing guy and let's be honest....it would take a miracle for him to still be single in five years...I really cherish our times together and most memorable would be our short stint living as neighbors in a Costa Rican town outside of SJ. Sudoku tournaments, discotecas, accusations of drug dealing from the locals, and full-body mud masks... Good times. Thanks G!