This is me....trying to be SINGLE.

Ok, so.... I'm reading this new book called "How to be Single" by Liz Tuccillo. I'm only on ch. three but it has already had the ability to unearth many thoughts and ideas about the idea of "singledom".
For those of you that haven't heard, I recently broke up with Jason. It has been an interesting break-up given that since I have been in CA (almost a yr) this will be the first time I can authentically consider myself single in this state. Now for those of you that don't know me...the single card is one I ordinarily play quite well. I never dated in high school and I was never "that girl" that always needed to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So now after two consecutive long-term relationships I find myself conflicted and needing to redefine "me" as "single".
My entire life has been based on "the list". It involves completion dates and boxes to check and whole lot of things I want to do or experience. It includes but is certainly not limited to graduate college...check...travel the world...check...live in another country...learn another language...skydive...skinnydip...dye my hair red ...check...check...check...check...check...Master's degree...in progress. This list involves most all of the experiences that have shaped my character and personality. It began when I was thirteen and continues to grow.
Let's leave "the list" behind momentarily and travel back three years...Subject: New Jersey. I am so blessed to have met an incredible group of brilliant, beautiful, accomplished women. We are very close and though each of us is as different as night and day one common thread binds us. The idea that our worth and character are based on our indiviual choices and goals and not contingent upon our marital staus. Through river rafting, roadtrips, cooking, exploring NYC, traveling, all night chats,etc...I learned to embrace life and to quit conditioning my goals and aspirations to "when I get married I will do..." or "if I had a boyfriend I would..."There was no place for that there.
Fast forward now to CA where three years of serious relationshipping has left me unable to find that power I once had in being single...the power forgotten, lost, or perhaps simply just unrecognizeable. I sit here tonight wondering how I can reconnect to that. To find joy and measure unassociated with a simple "M" or "S". I add another item to "the list" and allow myself to consider options of my future that would be deemed "absolutely ridiculous" by those of a married sort. I take delight in knowing that "the list" is my key to a regret-free life. I excite at the opportunities I will embrace and wonder who will be the woman at the end of the day when "the list" is full of completion dates and check marks. What will she look like? How will she think? What things will she contribute to the world?
A single man of 32 surrounded by successful, ambitious, beautiful women is asked why when in a religion based so strongly on the importance of families and marriage won't he take one of those lovely ladies out on a date. He complains that they are "so independent" and they have "other things going on" so surely they aren't interested in a relationship.
"The list" is full and I have a newfound commitment to rediscover and embrace my "singledom". I will pretend not to cringe at the next family gathering or class reunion when people will ask "where's Jason?" or "why are you single?". I will pretend that on the lists of blogs that say "Ben and Ashley" or "Aaron and Jamie" that I like my blog listed simply as "Maegan". I will pretend the 32 year-old is right...that I have much better things to do than to be "involved" and that "the list" is indeed my sole directive. However, as much as I love my life as it is now (and genuinely no sarcasm intended there), "the list" still is and always will continue to be, titled "My Plan B".